Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?
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{first date}
HIM: Your profile says you like Shakespeare. What’s your favorite?
ME [nervous]: Uh…William?
I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.
Thanks for the push notification, Siri – that’s exactly what I needed in that moment 🫠
Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.
my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
women are like cars. sometimes there’s a squirrel living in there
I’m not saying it’s been a while, I’m just saying I completely blanked on the name of my gym
Adding osaur to the end of a word doesn’t make it work appropriate according to this cuntosaur reporting me to HR.
What if Canada is just like 100 dudes faking a country like that scene in Home Alone where Kevin fakes the party?
Sometimes I like to do tweets that are so obscure they’re not even for the people who get it.
*Librarian walks in* You know what’s great kids? You don’t need wifi to read a book!
*Kids boo*
*Someone in the crowd yells “NERD”*
My pregnant friends put me in charge of their gender reveal party
I can’t wait till they pop the balloon & find out they’re having a kraken
If you laugh at a kid’s joke that kid will tell the exact same joke at slightly louder volumes 8,000 times in a row.
*Texts*
Can I come over bae?
I need you. <3*Gets reply text*
DUDE, STOP CALLING ME THAT. I’M YOUR DEALER NOT YOUR BAE. BRING CA$H!
violence is never the answer unless you’re doing a crossword and it asks “behavior involving physical force” (8 letters)
KIDNAPPER: get in the trunk
ME: but this tree is so tiny
Today I became an Australian citizen and I got bitten by a spider. Unlikely coincidence IMHO. 🇦🇺
4-year-old: *finds Nerf gun* Dad, I’ll shoot you!
*tries*
4: I can’t get it. Can you shoot yourself?
She’s not the first to ask me that.
If you bring A TREE into the house, it must be climbed. Why are you so upset? You’re not being logical.
—cats in Christmas trees
Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?
I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.
Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
If I ever ask you, very seductively, “Do you wanna do it?”
It means take a nap.
Everyone needs to eat healthier. Except the guy sitting next to me loudly eating an apple. That guy should be in prison.
Me: [has trouble opening up to people and making real, lasting connections my entire life]
My Kid: [makes 3 new friends and joins a gang on his first day of 4th grade]
Christmas movie innkeepers play fast and loose with their unattended candles.
If sex doesn’t include peanut butter, a live mongoose, and my psychiatrist taking notes then I don’t want it.
Hot single dads in your area AREN’T WORKING 60 HOURS A WEEK FOR YOU TO AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD SHUT THE GODDAMN DOOR.
Priest: You may now kiss the bride.
Me: Do I have to?
And after all these years, she *still* won’t admit how funny that was.