4yo: *Tells 20 minute story*
Me: *Fully listens to the whole thing*
4yo: *Starts telling it again*
Me: *Dies*
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Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?
Anytime someone loses something in the office HR doesn’t ask if anyone’s seen it, they just send out an email that says “Give it back Josh”
“Can you veegle your toes for me? Veegle your toes.” – Dracula, ER doctor
HER: I think we should break up
ME: But…why?
HER: I don’t know if it’s your terrible puns or the fact that you don’t “believe” in the color blue
ME {quietly to self}: Cyans fiction
HER: Or both
Movie idea: a gang of precision bank robbers, who were—now get this—trained…by…a…Doberman.
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when my mother-in-law wasn’t getting to the point.
I never ran away from home but when I was six I asked everyone else in the house to move out.
People who live in glass houses probably have a lot of squeegees.
SKETCH ARTIST: *holds up drawing of a single bit of straw*
CAMEL: [in a wheelchair, tears in his eyes] That’s him!
dumbledore, completely wasted: I should have know you’d be here professor mcgonagall
some random cat:
Ways to make your woman happy.
1. Cook for her.
2. Surprise her with hugs & kisses.
3. Hide a lion in her apartment then rescue her.
when mom throws a party…
dr: what happened here
me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him
dr: why
me: wasn’t his birthday I guess
Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking
Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns
Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.
Of course I dance like nobody’s looking.
But I also drink like I don’t have to work in the morning.
I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.
I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??
Facebook: Here are some people you may know
Me: I don’t know them
Facebook: Ok I’ll ask you again next time
Me: No, I still won’t know them
Facebook: ok lol
Me: I’m serious
Facebook: Haha ok
Me: You gonna stop it?
Facebook: *winks* yes
Me: Did you just wink?
Facebook: *winks* no
How did that guy know he went through the desert on a horse with no name? Did he try asking the horse? Was he aware that it was probably his job to assign a name if there was not already one in place? A lot of things don’t add up here.
“I shot the sheriff but I did not shoot the deputy” is my favorite lyric about murdering law enforcement officials in moderation.
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion texts: Please answer baby. Let me make this right.
I think all dads are in a secret competition to see who can sneeze the loudest.
I’m beginning to think that some of you aren’t really pretending to be crazy.
Them: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
The best murder weapon would be a tupperwear lid because nobody would ever find it
Mumford & Sons! It’s your cousin, Marvin. Marvin & Sons. You know that new sound you’re looking for? *holds phone to a boiling pot of water*