Movie idea: a gang of precision bank robbers, who were—now get this—trained…by…a…Doberman.
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hikers: a yeti oh my god don’t eat us ahhh!
adorable snowman: rawr
hikers: awwww
*starts eating them*
hikers: AWWWW
*me in first month of med school working with a cardiologist*
doc: ok let’s go see this patient, remember they are recovering from the cabbage last week
me: the what
doc: the cabbage
me: i mean ya i guess cabbage can make me gassy too but a week seems a bit excessive??
doc:
i then learned that the doctor was referring not to a leafy green vegetable but rather a coronary artery bypass graft, or CABG (pronounced “cabbage)
the doc howled with laughter lmaooo
Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.
When Fred Willard got arrested for lewd behavior in an adult movie theater I was shocked. Where did he find an adult movie theater?
Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
okay but exactly how dangerous are these ducks?
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: Could a drunk person do this? *I just piss my pants*
Cop: WOW. Yes actually.
Me: That was supposed to be a backflip
Me: is everything ok you seem distant
Them: that’s the wrong end of the binoculars
I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”
Only God can judge me.
*gets hit by lightning*
Top 3 things that cause my 10yo the most fear and trepidation:
3. Oversized sharks
2. Rooms with large spiders in them
1. Being served a burger with mayonnaise on it
The first million people to send me $1.00 will get a copy of my guide on how to become a millionaire on Twitter.
me [kidnapped]: do you know how horses are compensated for their work
captor: i don’t care
me: they get paid under the stable
captor: let her go we don’t deserve this kind of trauma
Wow, this is a really nice sturdy box, I should keep it in the attic for the next 20 years.
On the periodic table, the elements are represented by two groups. The symbols and the atomic number.
Law and Order: Atomic Mass Unit
My Grandma’s church was odd
in that they worshipped paintings.Very weird.
Every week they would stand up
and sing “How Great Thou Art”
When you’re married, it’s important for you both to work on keeping the magic alive and chained up in the basement where it can’t escape.
According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.
In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.
Hypnotist: you’re getting very sleepy
Me, at any hour of the day: how did you know?
I don’t always leave the house, but when I do I shouldn’t.
“I’d like to make a toast.”
– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family
I can’t figure out why my son hates me.
Tim hates you?
No, my other son. I can’t remember his name. I just call him “not Tim”
me: what do you want from me
wife: a divorce
me: i meant for christmas
If you watch the movie Twister backwards it’s the story of friendly tornados saving lives, rebuilding destroyed towns and playing with cows.
Technically… It’s only illegal when you get arrested.
I’m tired of all this mother effing playdough on the mother effing floor.
-Samuel L Jackson, babysitting my kids
[talks about how badass wolves are for 20 mins]
date: can we talk about something else?
[pulls out powerpoint on why wolves are badass] No
[Naming Days Meeting]
Guy 1: We need a name for the last one.
Guy Who Named Wednesday: Sudnaday?
Guy 1: Not one more goddamn word, Barry.
Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.