Movie idea: a gang of precision bank robbers, who were—now get this—trained…by…a…Doberman.
![]()
You Might Also Like
I dislike frozen dinners that require me to tear & fold & make sure this side is here or there & build a sacrificial platform to appease an ancient sun god or whatever to heat my food.
Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.
If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”
[at the movies]
me: thank god it’s over
her: I was going to say the same thing haha that’s a relief. I get the dog
In a world full of Christmas fruitcakes, be a cheese ball
[farm]
SON: *crying*
ME: Look, I told you not to get attached to the animals because eventually we have to eat them
SON *running away*: I HATE YOU!!
ME: He’s taking it pretty hard… but I did warn him
WIFE: None of us thought you meant the dog
Animals who have bright colors and patterns in the wild are considered dangerous and shouldn’t be messed with.
*Updates work wardrobe to bright, loud colors and patterns*
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.
“Trust your gut” ok first of all my gut wants pizza 24 hours a day
A large group of other people’s children is called a “Nope”.
one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along
“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me
[astronaut test]
Before you begin, questions?
[hand raised]
“Is it true the moon is cheese?”
Are you that damn mouse again?
[mouse runs out]
The IBS drug commercial that mentions “urgent diarrhea” implies there’s also a laid back, non-urgent form of diarrhea that I’ve never had.
Stop comparing yourself to high achieving go-getters, it isn’t good for your self esteem or your mental health and only helps you stand in your own way
Instead, find a complete loser to compare yourself to and then cross your fingers they don’t win the lottery
When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, “I think it’s Santa Claus!” so I don’t have to get up.
I like to impress a first date by pulling never ending toilet paper out of my bra like a magician.
What’s a second date like?
When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?
me: i need answers
smashmouth guy: please i have a family
me: [tasing him again] who told you?
smashmouth guy: aaagh
me: who? [pulling his face close to mine] who told you the world was gonna roll me
smashmouth guy: it was *sobsob* SOMEBODY
“No more self-deprecating tweets,” I whisper fatly.
A person’s true character is revealed when the shrimp tray comes out at a party.
[courtroom]
Me: “I OBJECT YOUR HONOR”
Judge: on what grounds?
“LEGAL MUMBO JUMBO”
Prosecutor: he’s good
Judge: *slams gavel* case dismissed.
In alcohol’s defense, i’ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.
Pro tip:
If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.
[cloud watching]
GIRLFRIEND: That one looks like a ring.
ME: I think it looks like two people taking it slow despite the pregnancy.
[Confessional Booth]
Me: My favorite sins are sins of the flesh.
Priest: FAVORITE SINS?!
Me: Why are you yelling? And gluttony, gluttony is a close 2nd.
I’m scared. I have this weird stabby pain in my chest and it really hurts and..Dorito. It was a Dorito in my bra.
if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab
I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.