[Confessional Booth]
Me: My favorite sins are sins of the flesh.
Priest: FAVORITE SINS?!
Me: Why are you yelling? And gluttony, gluttony is a close 2nd.
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Yes I am that gift that keeps on giving most people the finger.
Stop hoisting all your food into the trees. Now the bears have to settle for the second most delicious thing at your campsite.
PETA wants us to stop using animal slogans
such as “bring home the bacon”They’d have us say “bring home the bagels”
That suggestion has holes in it.
cool hat i found in the hospital bathroom for a cowboy like myself
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my bowl of breakfast chili.
Honestly the only reason I had more than one kid was so one day they’d be able to push each other on the swings. That shit is exhausting.
I tried to take a nap but I have a dachshund and a chihuahua.
True friends know where you keep the blank check for your bail.
Date: You haven’t dated in awhile?
Me: [Wearing Hulk Hands struggling with a burrito] Why do you say that?
ME [first and last day working at Supercuts]: *styles everyone’s hair like Dog the Bounty Hunter*
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
Car just drove through the front of my house, because he forgot his corrective lenses. It was a bad case of contactless delivery.
Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.
*me, at the bank, mouth agape, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my twelve dollars lives
*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute
I would most likely die like 45 minutes into a zombie apocalypse, and even more likely it would not be zombie apocalypse related.
[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m black??
Cop: Sir, you’re white, driving 90 in a 30.
Me: Racist.
Cop: Get out.
For a brief period, cats delivered mail in Belgium. During the 1970s, the city of Liège “hired” 37 cats to deliver mail in waterproof bags. As expected, the cats weren’t effective mailmen.
Me: a calm, methodical Navy SEAL when I clog my own toilet
Also me: a terrified, incapable, frozen idiot when I clog yours
Proctology is located in A55
Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
Australia’s reputation for dangerous wildlife is exaggerated.
Statistics show that 43% of Australians actually escape being eaten and survive to adulthood.
Me: Donuts can cure a brain tumor.
Friend: But you don’t have a brain tumor…
Me: [ taking a bite of a donut ]
…EXACTLY.
My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.
My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.
[at the shooting range]
Recruit: Sir, I missed every target.
Officer: Perfect.
*makes him a stormtrooper*
Until you show me in the corporate dress code where it says masks & capes aren’t allowed, I must refuse to reveal my identity to the others.
My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.
On June 28, 2009 Stephen Hawking threw a party for time-travelers. He announced the party the day after it happened and he said no one came.