ME [first and last day working at Supercuts]: *styles everyone’s hair like Dog the Bounty Hunter*
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Me: Loving this juice cleanse.
Wife: That’s sangria.
My 12yo just ate four pieces of fried chicken and a waffle for dinner, so I assume he’ll grow a few feet overnight
police: DROP YOUR WEAPON
me: places my self-deprecating humor gently on the ground
If Jesus was from Nazareth, why does he have a Mexican name?
My son’s girlfriend always peels out of the driveway like a car chase from the Rockford Files.
I admire her spirit, but I have to live with my neighbors.
Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet
The real monsters are the people who hand you money with the bills not all facing in the same direction.
The Mayfly has the shortest lifespan of any animal, at a mere 24 hours. Fortunately the drinking age for Mayflies is 45 minutes, so it makes for a pretty awesome day.
I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….
Hahahaha just kidding
I look great naked
[working late]
ME: I’m starting to fall asleep.
CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.
ME: *smacks him in the face* You’re right, I feel better.
Boss: i’m taking off today. if nothing urgent happens you can leave 2 hours early.
me: thanks!
server, 10 mins before I could leave early: hey – hi. *cough. dies*
My dog doesn’t even understand what I’m doing when I air guitar solos to metal ballads but she dutifully holds up her lighter.
Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.
Her: I don’t believe I threw it.
You guys ever see a mannequin and think she’s completely out of your league?
This guy’s not having it 😆
Local Thai place no longer suffering fools
I’d take Cap’n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren’t on his hat.
I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.
shop assistant: can i help you find something?
me: a meaningful connection in an improbable world filled with chaotic and ultimately meaningless coincidences
shop assistant:
me: or laundry detergent
*sips iced coffee*
man I’ve been feeling so anxious lately
*has another iced coffee*
I wonder why I had that panic attack the other night
*chugs redbull*
my social anxiety has been a waking nightmare
*takes a bath in cold brew and espresso with a 5 hour energy face mask*
[Bat symbol lights up Gotham’s sky]
“Gordon needs me, the city needs me.”
[Robin waving flashlight around]
“Oh wow look they need me too.”
Is there a Twitter acronym for “Ur screenshot tweet is really funny, but my anxiety about ur phone battery % prevents me from enjoying it”?
[Noah from the Bible is doing laundry and his washer just starts spewing water]
DEBORAH GET THE BOAT
all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period
There are 2 wolves inside me and they’re both eating tacos
I’ve heard that some people have kids who sleep through the night and I’d like to know if they use tranquilizers or chloroform
Would bet there’s a math equation that can tell how many kids a person has by measuring the amount of Cheerios on the floor of their car …
Wife: We named you after Grandma
Me: Yes that was my idea!
Grandma: They all laugh at me at school
Question – what’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?
Me- Wished I was an adult
If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.