Women: “Do you remember that time…”
Men: “No”
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A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”
Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight
*sees a ghost*
omg dont haunt me please i dont wana b scared
“dude i literaly experienced the horors of death so maybe this isnt about you”
“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry
*London, 1592*
Pizza Boy: Hark! I hast brought thine order
Lusty Wench: Alas, I hath not a tuppence to pay for thy cheesed bread! Mayhap there is some other way thou canst get thine…pound of flesh?
Pizza Boy: Gadzooks! *funky lute music begins*
My foray into the comic book world was brief after failing to garner any sales of my series “The Banana Face Lady and the Martian Man” to my 4th grade class.
What I say:
Get dressed
Brush teeth
Get in the carWhat my kids hear:
Have a snack
Shriek like monkeys
Open 3 umbrellas indoors
Go poop
I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?
You know who else doesn’t leave another man’s girlfriend alone?
Mosquitos
[Honest banana advertisement]
Bananas: You’re gonna buy too many
Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.
My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can’t text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can’t text me if she needs anything.
My kid took out the trash without being asked so imagine my surprise moments later when he asked if he could spend $10 bucks on a video game.
HER: I’m breaking up with you..
ME: Is it because W e A re I N a Bl a k H o l e ?
C ¡ !
H
E R: Y
e S
! ! ! !
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance
doctor: I said m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how it’s spelled
I always wear striped stockings in hopes someone will mistake me for a witch and drop a house on me.
I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*
My husband wants a fourth child. I hope his new wife will be good to my three.
Boss: This is the 3rd time I’ve seen you slacking off today. Do you know what that means?
Me: You want me to move the couch into my office?
Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
Her: Wow, how’d you get that black eye?
Me: *thinks back to that husky raccoon lying in wait* BAR FIGHT
Dropped ice in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.Dropped a baby in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.
My dog doesn’t wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.
Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?
*seductively peels off lederhosen
Cancelling plans is okay. Having your friend over even though he insulted you is okay. Taking him to your wine cellar to show him your rare Amontadillo is okay. Sealing him in with bricks and entombing him alive is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.
I used to think the key to small talk was always having something to say (difficult) but now I think the key is being genuinely relaxed and putting people at ease (very difficult).
I’m going to write a great tweet even if it kills me
The wife: write two in case you survive the 1st