Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.
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When I withdrew cash from the ATM, it asked what denominations I wanted so I chose Baptist, Methodist and Presbyterian.
**Blood-curdling scream**
Dinner’s ready.
2032:: Scientists force bees and birds to mate, just for kicks.
2033: The Bumblehawks reign supreme.
The inventor of the tampon liked it, so he put a string on it
Mario: can I buy you a drink?
Peach: ew get a life
Mario: *eats mushroom* …now?
Me: have a great eye for detail
Also me: couldn’t tell when they changed doctors on Dr. Who
Sorry I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’m busy not wanting to come.
My friends tinder conversation PLEASE ✋🏼😭😭😭
Room service: Would you like your glass of wine before din…Me:(interrupting) YES.
Can’t, need to go and at least see this gym that I am member of.
I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.
When I see guys with skinny jeans and skin tight T’s on I pretend they are actual giants who woke up tiny and just had nothing else to wear.
Boss: also, a reminder that if you find a USB outside, do not bring it into the workplace
Me: *writing notes* international bees only
if the second I text you back, you call me because you know I’m holding my phone, I will call the police.
Ugh why is my bag so heavy? *goes through bag* ok keys, wallet, book, sandwich, water, anvil, other sandwich, human baby, no I need all this
My neighbor threw away a stair lift. Unrelated, I can now go from my couch to the bathroom without walking.
I never had a childhood bully, but I do have a toddler, so same.
[Playing piano to impress a Russian girl]
“Do you like it?”
Her: That’s sheet music
“Yes, it is.”
Her: Now excuse me, I huv to take a sheet.
BOSS: I’m sorry mike, but you’ve been downsized
ME: (75% of my original size, in a voice 125% higher pitched) ahh maaan
*limbos away from your hug*
if someone decides to use the treadmill right next to you, quietly whisper “oh god, the machine has already chosen its next victim”
In the 70s they recommended drinking one full size waterbed a day.
disney: we want a nice elegant design that just says ‘Walt Disney’
graphic designer: Walt Gisney
disney: looks great
Please pray for my 5yo who demanded I get him a glass of water because he’s “too thirsty to walk to the kitchen”.
Short notice, but does anyone fancy spending a month on a private island in the Maldives? I’m looking for someone to join me ASAP as I’d prefer to leave this Sunday. Must have a private island in the Maldives, otherwise you’re wasting my time.
I occasionally call my son when he’s with me so I can hear what my ringtone is on his phone. Last week I was the theme song from Psycho.
[murder scene]
MORGAN FREEMAN: there are 7 deadly sins: Pride, greed, envy, lust, wrath and gl– [sees victim wearing crocs] There are 8 dea
if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.
Catercrombie & Fish
Mom: Everyone has to learn to swim
Kid: Even Jesus?
Mom: Of course
Jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* Lying’s a sin, Brenda