Room service: Would you like your glass of wine before din…Me:(interrupting) YES.
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What I said : Just a trim, please.
What hairdresser must’ve heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.
homeless guy: change?
me (a werewolf): funny you should ask ….
Getting arrested must suck! Not only do you get arrested, you have to make a phone call!!
[at the top of mt everest]
friend: i can’t believe we did it!
me: i know!
friend: what do you think of the view?
me: whoopi goldberg is amazing and the guest panelists they have always bring a fresh perspective but it should’ve stopped after season 15.
Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.
If you don’t have a dog whistle, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in forever.
Is it too late to drop myself off at the fire station?
Omg Brad Pitt just followed me! How does he only have 14 followers?!?!
ZOMBIE 1: why do we eat brains?
ZOMBIE 2: because. It’s food for thought! haha
ZOMBIE 1: [sigh]
Him: What are you doing tomorrow?
Me: I was thinking maybe a chocolate croissant for breakfast.
Him: *sighs*
Me: Oh, you mean between meals.
I’ve got all my ducks in a row but these chickens have no concept of symmetry.
[Before date]
Friend: Just don’t talk about your pants again
Me: Relax, I know how to flirt[Later]
Me: so I just unzip here and boom! shorts
If kidnappers shoved me in a car and put a bag over my head I’d try to lighten the mood by being like It’s getting darker so much earlier these days
From a shark’s perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone.
Sure I’ll donate my bone marrow, what are you making, broth?
Do cute firemen still come when a cat is stuck in a tree?
Only in case of fire?
Fine. But pretty sure my cat won’t like being set on fire.
I can’t sleep; so I went out & got 2 donuts, glued them to my eyes, climbed up a tree & pretended I’m an owl.
DR DOG: *gives kid patient a sucker*
MOM: what do u say
KID: thanks mr dog
DD: kid I didnt go to med school for 56 years to be called Mr Dog
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
succession but with mickey mouse and friends
GENIE:3 wishes
ME:Can I wish for more?
G:No
M:I wish u couldn’t count
G:Done. How many do u have left?
M:A billion
G:
M:
G:That sounds right
Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.
I’ll call bowling a sport when there’s a goalie.
Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.
just bought $250 worth of there’s nothing to eat
Bill is short for Billiam
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
Good looking cop: do you know how fast you were going?
Me fluttering eyelashes:
How fast did you want me to be going?
I came home and my gf had laid out rose petals from the door, down the hall and into our bed. There were even rose petals in the shower, my sock drawer and my jacket pocket. And even in the medicine cabinet where my EpiPen usually is because I AM SEVERELY ALLERGIC TO ROSE PETALS
There is a hawk following me on my run so now I’m insecure about what I look like and what I smell like