succession but with mickey mouse and friends
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My son only asks my opinion so he can do the opposite, apparently.
[at the sistine chapel]
me: *raising my hand at the back of the tour group* so where are chapels one through fifteen
tour guide: *angry italian noises*
When I was a kid, my siblings and I used to shove each other down the stairs in a laundry basket.
I remind my parents about these things when they try to give unsolicited advice.
ME: On the one hand, I have this weird rash. And on the other hand
DATE: ??
ME: It’s on both hands, I should probably see a doctor
This checks out
Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again
It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
At the grocery store some old lady seemed like she was hitting on me. Turns out we went to school together.
In the street today, an unattractive woman asked for my number, so I gave her a fake. Still feel a bit guilty, as I’d just totaled her car.
A good anvil is very expensive. It would be great if they fell out of the sky once in a while.
the guy who keeps stealing my packages is really gonna love my latest order, “giant beehive (1 count)”
I’d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..
One of my firmly-held beliefs is that every one of us has driven off with something on our roof that wasn’t supposed to be there, and another is that we’ve all seen a car in traffic with coffee, a briefcase, or a purse on the roof and wondered what kind of idiot does that.
Not to brag but I’ll inherit 17 bottles of Old Spice when my dad dies.
Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.
“Just circling back on this.”
“Take another lap.”
Me: This recipe calls for one red onion…
Onion: Seize the means of production!
Me: Close enough
The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.
I wish more things required an email from the WGA before we accepted them as true. Like, “Sorry but, until we hear otherwise from the WGA, it’s still the weekend. We don’t even know for sure Mondays are real.”
Person 1: You should do Yoga.
Person 2: Why would I ever do that little green guy from Star Wars? He’s not sexy at all.
Person 3: She means the picnic basket stealing bear, idiot.
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two – one to screw it most of the way and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.
Mom: Take out the trash
*I take the trash on a lovely date*
Mom: Not what I meant
*I assassinate the trash in an ally*
Mom: Still wrong
Me: This is a beautiful flower arrangement
Host: That’s a salad.
[The Gorge in the Pride lands]
Water buffalo 1: *tramples over Mufasa* Didn’t we go to that guy’s baby shower?
Water buffalo 2: *shrugs*
I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.
*calls restaurant*
Me: Hi is your place a kid friendly restaurant?
Host: Of course it is sir
*hangs up*
“Do not touch” must be one of the most terrifying things to read in braille
It’s a plant shaped like an egg.
EGGPLANT!
It’s a place where we make fire.
FIREPLACE!
Diving in the sky.
SKYDIVING!Humans are creative.
Whenever I want to feel like I’m at a house party again I play two podcasts at the same time and then sit on the floor in my kitchen and pet the cat