Husband: When I introduce you to my boss, please don’t be weird
Me: Me? Weird??
Husband: PLEASE
[ Later ]
Me, air kissing his boss’s hand: Bonjour
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People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had a KitKat that turns out to be just solid chocolate.
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
There are two kinds of people in this world, people that know things and people who don’t know how to use Google.
my anaconda don’t want none unless you got all beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame seed BUN HUN
Our son came home one day with
a note from his first grade teacher:Your son bit another boy today.
Is he getting enough to eat at home ?
I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.
[plastic surgeon]
please my credit card it’s very sick
*about to rob bank
Me: you cool
Partner: as a cucumber
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually cucumbers are room temperature
Me: why is he here again
Just tossed my hair seductively and a chicken nugget fell out.
As we start watching horror movies for October, this is more relevant than ever.
The pharmacy will look you straight in the eye with no line of people and tell you it will be 20-30 minutes for them to take some eye drops off the shelf behind them and put them in a little bag.
My wife finally got a “Brazilian”.
He seems nice.
Michelangelo: Why are you naked?
Me: How else are you going to sculpt me like you did David?
Michelangelo: Dude, I’m a ninja turtle!
Got a new bottle of shampoo and now I’m using what’s left in the old one with the reckless abandon of someone who just won the lottery.
My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this
I try to use proper grammar and punctuation in all of my tweets, until I’m about to go over the 140 character limit…& den u no how it b.
Saying “I’m having a heavy period day”
– boring
– depressingSaying “bro my flow is crazy”
– dope
– could be a rapper
If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.
If your store sells carpet and tile and you’re not advertising a July Floor-th sale then what are you even doing?
Bruce Willis is talking to a parrot. “I’m Bruce Willis” he says. The parrot repeats it. “yeah right” Bruce says, but is secretly worried
My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?
Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*
Customer: We are never coming back!
Me: Promise?
As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.
I find a hole in one of my socks and think “alright, let’s put it back in the drawer and see if it heals.”
you learn something new every day oh god make it stop
Who called it a “Monk that can dunk” instead of an “Air Friar?”
Are you eating Jell-O?
Cow: “Yeah.”
You know what gelatin is made from, right?
Cow: “No, what?”
Uh. Rainbows. Enjoy, buddy.
surgeon: are… are you still awake?
me: man i got a lot going on right now
[First date] You didn’t google the menu before you came to the restaurant? This isn’t going to work.
[on my deathbed] everyone’s in here, why are the lights on in the living room?