I’m really looking forward to getting a full 8 hours of overthinking in tonight.
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Me: OMG, I haven’t seen you in so long!
Her: We’ve never met.
Me: That long huh?
Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.
My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.
[terrible nursing home]
Old guy: How did you end up here?
Elderly me: I made my kids steak instead of hot dogs.
Him: *gasps* You monster.
During sex
Me: Go deeper
Him: *Stares in the horizon* Imagine living in a world without wars
me watching a commercial of golf balls getting flushed down a toilet: “wow. There is still so much about this sport I don’t know”
How many boats could Lisa Kudrow row if Lisa Kudrow could row boats?
Sex scenes in movies are okay but the audience MUST BE WARNED. A red flashing light, words on the screen saying WARNING: SEX SCENE AHEAD and a loud ‘awooga! awooga!’ type siren would be a good start
you haven’t truly known fear until a long-forgotten furby in the back of your bedroom closet starts screaming in an australian accent at 3am
My 5 year old is going to be a witch for Halloween. But she doesn’t want to wear a hat. No wig, either. The black dress? Too itchy. Oh, and she’s not down with green makeup. The only part of the costume she likes is the broom. My 5 year old is going to be a janitor for Halloween.
The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night
Me: I’m hot.
Husband: *turns on AC*
Me: I’m cold.
H: *turns off AC*
Me: I’m hot.
H: *jumps out of car*
What do you call the yellow ones?
-Yellow labs.
And the black ones?
-Black labs.
So the brown ones are-
-No we named those after dog poison.
Told the kids me and husband were having adult time and under no circumstances were they to disturb us for the next 5-6 minutes
Me: OMG I love this song
Radio: should I play it again
Me: okay
Radio: fifteen times
Me: wait
Radio: every hour
Me: no
Radio: for the next six months
Laundry Day
Me: Tell me about this lipstick on your shirt.
Him: Babe, I can explain!
Me: Don’t care. Just ask her the brand and shade name.
I only tell jokes so someone will explain them to me.
Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.
Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.
[meeting Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson at Comic-Con]
THE ROCK: You want me to autograph your jar of pickles?
ME: What? No, I want you to open it for me.
FRIEND: it’s saturday! you know what that means…
ME: hell yeah baby *secretly googles what does saturday mean*
PRIEST: Is there any reason these two shouldn’t be wed?
ME: *from the back* SHE HOLDS ONTO CHECKS FOR MONTHS & THEN CASHES THEM UNEXPECTEDLY
ok i’ve proved i’m not a robot now you prove you’re not a human
Have you ever met a person, & knew straight away that they were ‘the one’?
Yah. I had to take a restraining order out too.
[MIDNIGHT TRAIN STATION]
ME: one ticket, please
TICKET SALESMAN: sure, where to?
ME: *looks at camera* anywhere
TICKET SALESMAN: where tho
Pack some crackers, we’re going on a cheeseabout.
I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.
When I order pizza online, in the “Special Instructions for the Driver” box, I put “Tell me I’m a pretty princess”.
And they do.
And I am.