This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all
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Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.
Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.
DOCTOR: You’ve gained a lot of weight
ME: I’m getting older and my metabolism is slowing down
DOCTOR: [slapping chicken wings out of my mouth] I mean since you got here
Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.
My son is playing his first soccer game tonight and I’m pretty stoked he wasn’t the first kid to start eating the grass
I learned about self care from watching my cat.
“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.
me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember
me 5 seconds later: oh no
When my sweet baby daughter said “mama” for the first time, I never imagined that 11 years later, she’d be calling me “bro” on a regular basis.
why have kids when i already have a voice in my head constantly talking me into buying things i can’t afford
My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?
Friend: I’m visiting the U.K. this summer. Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?
Me: yes
no one:
contestants on every singing show: hi my life is really sad
Any other person cuts their thumb: “Expletive!”
Me, a Catholic person: “Expletive! To thee do we cry, poor banished children of Eve!”
Twin: ya know how we always-
Me: -finish each other’s sentences!
Prison Warden: VISITING TIME IS OVER
Twin: so I had an idea…
Confession: I have dipped cheese into softer cheese.
People like Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. How about more movie character restaurants? I have some suggestions:
Samwise’s Lord of the Wings
Tyler Durden’s Chowder House
Goose’s Gastropub (tagline: We feel the need… the need to feed!)
Short Round’s Tempura of Doom
Hannibal’s
I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….
Hahahaha just kidding
I look great naked
When in doubt, ignore an unknown number on your mobile, never hit Reply All, and always wear clothes when you step out of your house.
You don’t know fear until you cough out a tampon nowhere near a bathroom.
If I’m ever in need of a hair tie, the first place I look is my cat’s water bowl.
Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.
Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.
Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.
*pulls away from kissing*
batman, is this why I’m your sidekick?
Take it easy, Officer. You act like you’ve never seen a woman with a car full of penguins before.
Jesus is all like eat my body, drink my blood and I’m all like dude, I only like you as a friend.
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open
howdy. i’m a sheriff in this here movie or show. and if i see somethin startlin? well… best believe i’m takin my hat off at it. real slow
At this point, a nurse could tell me my blood pressure was 700 over clown shoes and I still wouldn’t know if that’s good or bad.