me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember
me 5 seconds later: oh no
You Might Also Like
*opens up briefcase in court, revealing snakes*
“Wait. Then that means-”
[cut to my nemesis waking up surrounded by my opening statement]
Movies led me to believe there would be a whole lot more unlocked cars just sitting around with the keys tucked away in the overhead visor.
The Wi-Fi is out so I guess I’ll have to go harvest DVDs from the field the way my grandmother used to do.
Therapist: ‘Sarcasm will get you nowhere.’
Me: ‘Actually, it got me to the National Sarcasm Championship game in Las Vegas back in 98.’
Therapist: ‘Really?’
Me: ‘No.’
I finally shaved my legs.
Do I contact Locks of Love or do they contact me?
society: buy a sheet for your mattress
me: ok makes sense
society: then a sheet for that sheet
me:
society: then a blanket for that sheet
me: i think-
society: and a blanket for the blanket
me: you done?
society: oh and 30 pillows
My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said
One hundred and fat
A haunted house but it’s just me walking from room to room to see the mass destruction that occurred when I left my kids alone for 5 min to take a shower.
In-laws are coming over for lunch, which leaves me just enough time to buy a better house, master a new career and develop a less antagonistic personality. Wish me luck!
How are birds so simultaneously beautiful and annoying as heck?!
I aspire to be birds
I call my ex “Appendix” because he didn’t seem to have a specific purpose and removing it didn’t change a thing in my life.
Me: you’re my first customer so forgive me if I’m slow
Bank robber: you’re doing great buddy
Old Spice 14-in-1 body wash, shampoo, conditioner, face wash, moisturizer, toothpaste, super glue, mouth wash, shaving cream, caulk, aftershave, lube, energy drink, cream cheese
Just met a baby named Herbert. Weird, right? Reached his little baby hand across the bus aisle and goes, “Hi, I’m a baby. A baby Herbert.”
Waterbeds are for people who want to get sea sick at home.
I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.
I don’t really WANT to make bad choices; but I got here late and all the good choices were already taken.
Going to the place where all the good snacks are: The Gas Station
@hadafewbeers @funTweeters 92 just broke a hip! 🎉
Dilemma: Your daughter brings home a guy with an Insane Clown Posse t-shirt on but your garden is already completely full of corpses.
I’ve heard the jokes and the laughter as people drove past my house in July, but who’s laughing NOW?
*plugs in Xmas lights*
Me carrying around all the patience I have today x
Ladies, the day after Halloween don’t forget to buy all the discounted blood capsules to keep in your mouth for when men tell you to smile.
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
For most people when you lose your “khakis” you’ve lost your pants.
When you’re from Boston & lose your “khakis” you can’t start your car.
Me: This is the year I’m going to save money.
Also me: *googles, “how to purchase a baby elephant?”*
I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts
Hurricane Facebook Events are back y’all
in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators
Where there’s a will there’s a way. You just have to be nice to your rich aunt