Me: I would like to eat a boiled mermaid
Waiter: sir I don’t think you underst-
Me: the bottom half
Waiter: very good, sir
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You might be “street-smart” but you’re “everywhere-else-stupid”.
There are two reasons I often don’t reciprocate:
1. I get distracted.
I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.
The highest paid minds in campaign fundraising are hard at work figuring out how to send me more mail that I hate
My Uber driver upon seeing my face(not on my profile) switches his music from rap to the Chainsmokers and this is probably the worst I’ll ever be racially profiled
Mom: I HEARD UR SICK
Me: just a cold
Mom: U HAVE THE ZIKA
M: no I-
Mom: OH GOD IT’S ZIKA
M: mom-
Mom: I TRIED TO RAISE U RIGHT
M: wait, what
[pulled over by cop]
COP: evening folks. this is a random doug test. can I see some ID?
MY FRIEND DOUG IN THE BACK SEAT: [starts sweating]
Open-heart surgery is much simpler than most people realize. The key is not to get hung up on whether or not the patient survives.
In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties
It’s weird how many of my ancestors were sepia-toned.
I went to type “kill me” and it changed to “milk me.” I don’t even know what else to say now.
Me: *giving blood*
Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?
I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective
I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.
[Bowling date]
Her: Your shoes are HUGE! Does that mean…
Me: Yes [Whispers seductively] I have an 8 inch toe
Demi Lovato? Isn’t that one of those tiny coffee cups?
Why can’t we have a civil debate?
– people who can’t even stay on topic
sir, my pâté if you please
a Land Before Time reboot but it’s displaced polar bears on a journey to antarctica to eat an endless supply of penguins
Straight friend: Will you sensitivity read my book for my lesbian best friend character?
Me, two weeks later: The lesbian best friend is absolutely perfect. Here’s 16 pages of notes detailing the incorrect things you said about Star Trek.
All this “Kaine is boring” talk is your reminder that nowadays Abraham Lincoln would have to know parkour or some shit
Wine is like tapdancing, I can never tell if it’s good or bad
The letter R is just the letter P showing off some leg.
ps5 is how I abbreviate pspspspsps
*first day as an insurance salesman*
Customer: Can I get a quote?
Me: Sure! “Hold on tight, spider-monkey” 🥰
Customer: …
Me: …
Customer: …
Me: …Edward Cullen 2008.
“LUKE CHECK OUT HOW HARD I CAN CRY”
If Google can’t find the answer, it’s not a question.
jk rowling: every character will have a meaningful arc. harry finds the family he never had
editor: nice
jk rowling: ron faces his fears. hermione questions authority.
editor: what about, what’s his name, neville?
jk rowling: oh, shawty gets DUMB thicc
Tom and Jerry fooled me into thinking dogs bullied cats when it’s the opposite in reality