I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.
You Might Also Like
*Toddler walks up, kisses my knee, turns away*
“Aw! Aren’t you sweet?”
*Toddler kisses refrigerator, cabinet door and dishwasher*
“Oh.”
Bachelor: Will you accept this rose?
Me: Do you have any food?
[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]
And here we have yet another breakfast niche
When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow
I startled a mom and her kids in the Back To School aisle today at work.
I came around the corner and yelled SUPPLIES!
Me: Whoa…What are you doing?
Wife: I’m donating some of your books…They’re just taking up space.
Me: You don’t get rid of books…besides half of those aren’t even colored yet.
Her:
opening and closing my bank account like I do the fridge hoping things will improve
Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.
A sweater so itchy it feels like it was made from scratch.
*gets hungry*
*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*
*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*
at my age not even the shower wants to see me naked
Ate a healthy dinner, so I’m having pringles for dessert.
The owls are hooting and the stars are shooting and the coons are looting the cat food
‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’
~The monster under my bed
one of my fav things about friendships is that when they start, you send memes by saying “i thought you’d like this one” and they respond by saying “i really do, thank you!” and eventually that grows into you just being like “yooOOOAKSLDJS” and them just being like “HOLyyOmfnfnf”
Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again
Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Sandy
4. Hand Jive
5. Ramalamalamadingadadingedong
– Five Stages of Grease
The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information
I should’ve never taught my parrot to say the alphabet backwards now he drives drunk all the time the cops can’t do shit it’s a real problem
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch
It took her 3 hours
She was so excited to be done
Then I served dinner.
My husband complained that I never do a Sunday roast so I’ve spent the last hour writing jokes about his bald spot, his skinny legs and the fact that he can’t grow a beard.
*finally detangles ear buds
*plane lands
“I’d give that five minutes, if I were you.”
Woke up with morning Yule Log
OMG, MY DAUGHTER IS DYING!
Oh, my bad, it’s just her reaction to having to do a chore.
who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards
People who live in glass houses should wear fish costumes.
“I need help at the copier”
“Is your document all ready to go?”
“Yes.”
I then wait by the copier as she spends several minutes sequencing a couple dozen pages and filling out a form. To be fair, by “ready” maybe she meant the cellulose pulp had already been converted into paper.