I’d be lost without the care instructions on these pants.
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My 3-year-old got a cut on her finger.
She’s holding it up to show people her band-aid.
Yes, that’s my kid flipping off everyone in the grocery store.
My daughter said she got caught zoning out when her friends asked her a question so to look engaged she just made up an answer and I’m so proud she’s the Dad of her 6th grade crew.
Twister 2:
Climate change makes tornadoes evolve.
They work together.
We can’t beat them.
We team up instead
The twisters destroy ISIS.
I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.
What is this alien looking thing in a wig trying to sing?
Oh wait thats Nicki Minaj.
Why would an alien in a wig pick Nicki Minaj as a name?
“I’m thinking about having a baby.”
“You should get a dog.”
“As a sort of test?”
“No. You should just get a dog.”
“Oh sure. Go down bout a mile, left at the store that’s not there anymore, & past the big tree. Can’t miss it.”
-every gas station attendant
If I was a magician I’d ask someone in the audience for a $20 bill and then just run away. You could prob make like $40 doing that.
I was trying to get the bubbles out of my screen protector and I accidentally bought a horse on eBay.
ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*
I will raise my son to treat your daughters like spoiled princesses, but only if you don’t raise your daughters to think they are. Deal?
me: waiter this soup is cold
waiter: it’s Gazpacho
me: Gazpacho this soup is cold
Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?
What’s my type? Someone who is supportive. Someone who is warm. Someone I can just curl up and relax with. Wait I’m describing my bed again.
Okay so I need to find and purchase this book
Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100’s of strangers’ mouths
Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.
Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.
*prospective pet owner interview
Dog (suspicious): Uh huh. And what exactly do you want from me in exchange for this “food” and “shelter”?
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
Me: Ok to empty the dishwasher I need to clear things away from the dish rack and before I do that I need to clear space in the drawer and before that…
~later~
My wife: Why are you on the roof painting the chimney?
Me: So I can empty the dishwasher.
5: Mommy said I’m a big boy and can’t sleep in her bed anymore
Me [sleeping on couch] she’s right son
Early this morning a bird was chirping loudly at the same time that my husband was snoring and it was really sort of beautiful how they were pissing me off in harmony.
*puts seashell up to ear*
Me: I think I can hear the ocea-
Seashell: Seven days. You will die in seven days.
Me: (to friend) It’s for you.
Maybe it’s just the alcohol talking but I think I found the secret to ventriloquism
[undercover FBI agent who’s had me under surveillance for weeks decides to blow his cover] do you ever stop eating?
*I cycle off mt Rushmore and fall to my death but my bicycle lands on the end of Lincolns nose and makes a perfect pair of reading glasses*
“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”
-companies that obviously provide no training
Mobster: [tying a cinder block to my ankles] “You’re gonna be sleeping with the fishes…”
Me: “Umm, it’s ‘fish’.”
M: “This. This is why.”