My first thought after seeing some recent footage of UFOs in our airspace was, “Guys, could you come back at a better time?”
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WWE is French for “yes”
Cow stumbles into a pot field. The steaks have never been higher.
Wednesday
“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.
I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.
One day your kids will come home from school and ask why you spelled their name wrong.
Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.
I don’t understand why my coworkers always complain when I microwave my favorite meal: curry salmon stuffed with burnt popcorn.
“We need a new deck.”
“Why?”
“Take a guess.”
“Charlie ate all the threes again?”
“Charlie ate all the threes again.”
The human body can do all these cool restorative things, but don’t you dare swallow a drop of water incorrectly, because it may decide to just end you right there.
I’m not “late”, I’m just very creative with my interpretation of “time”.
Flock of bats
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.
I can’t stop laughing at this
My milkshake brings 30-50 hogs to the yard.
And they’re like, “are these kids yours?
Damn right, you wild boars.
I could beat you, but you’re rather large.
Yes, I am a fully grown woman.
No, I won’t leave this ball pit.
Her: I love pizza
Me: *trying to impress* they actually called me pizza face in middle school
HORSE: *walks into a bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long face?
HORSE: Updog
BARTENDER: What’s updog?
HORSE: Not much just walking into a bar
Me: *stuffing a ham into my pillow*
Wife: what are you doing
Me: it’s in case someone tries to stuff a ham into my pillow, they’ll be like “ah damn”
The tapeworm was replaced by the CD-worm and then eventually by the mp3-worm.
Don’t ask me how evolution works!
This is exactly how that old gypsy lady said I was going to die.
Always remember, if you ever need me, I’m just several phone calls and unread texts away.
The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.
Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.
KIDS: *running around house screaming*
ME: Hey guys, wanna go on a picnic?
KIDS: Yay! Picnic!
ME: *tosses bag of chips* Go eat those outside.
My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!
I hate spitting so much. In “Titanic” when Jack and Rose spit at the sea, I was done. They got what they deserved. The sea did what it had to do.
I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships.
Well played future wife. You win this round