KIDS: *running around house screaming*
ME: Hey guys, wanna go on a picnic?
KIDS: Yay! Picnic!
ME: *tosses bag of chips* Go eat those outside.
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Dance like you didn’t file your tax return.
Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts
My mom doesn’t understand that powdered donuts are eaten over cd cases while in cars, and my friends love donuts, and that’s why. (Not blow)
My grandmother found my original Strawberry Shortcake doll from the 80s and it still smells delicious and I’m wondering what kind of chemical warfare substance N perfume they put on these dolls back in the day that it has lasted for so long.
[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]
Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]
Doctor: We’re going to perform open heart surgery on you.
Me: Oh no…my feels will escape!
Rand Paul’s full name is Random Politician
if bowser kidnapped my wife, i wouldn’t ask for a background music, no matter how much fun i’d be having chasing turtles.
Everyone is gangsta until they get one sock wet
I put half an avocado in a sealed container in the fridge and it’s still good a week later.
Guys, I may have cracked the avocode-o.
DISH FATHER: You can NEVER see that spoon again!
*daughter dish starts sobbing*
[outside the window, Spoon is thinking] we leave tonight
Hey Twitter, you get a new comic EARLY
I don’t like to say “bless you” when someone sneezes because I don’t know if they’re religious or not. So instead I just say “I hope you never do that again”
Husband: Trust is fundamental to marriage.
Me:
Husband:
Me: I’m still not letting you cut my hair.
I will flirt with you but honestly neither of us will have any idea it’s happening
me (checkin out at grocery store with 2 rotisserie chickens): hold up *i grab my phone although it didn’t ring* sure i’ll get 1 more chicken
I love twitter
Wife: *spreads picnic beneath large oak tree*
Me: No good
Wife: Why not?
Me: Seems shady
Wife: *attacks me with plastic cutlery*
Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!
When I’m bored in the morning I like to sit one of my boys down, fix them with my dad stare, and say “so….do you maybe have something you’d like to tell me? I’ll give you a little time to think about it”….and then walk away.
Who said parenting can’t be fun?
“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” he said, without even realizing that he was holding the tazer backwards.
My cat’s name is Isis, so you can imagine my horror when I turned on the news and saw “Isis believed to be allied with Al-Qaeda”
I got arrested for downloading the whole Wikipedia website.
I told the detective, “Wait! I can explain everything!”
YANKEE DOODLE: *sticks feather in his cap* This is called macaroni
YANKEE DOODLE’S FRIEND: Ok, cool. Listen man, everybody’s worried about u
Your first instinct is gonna to be to spell “leopard” and “deaf” correctly. You’re going to want to resist that. – Best band manager ever.
*checks the hip hop section*
Nope. No one named Velocirapper yet.
You don’t know fear until you cough out a tampon nowhere near a bathroom.
Watching JAWS and really identifying with the shark
Whatever doesn’t kill you TRIED TO KILL YOU!