My cat’s name is Isis, so you can imagine my horror when I turned on the news and saw “Isis believed to be allied with Al-Qaeda”
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Remember when you could strangle people with your phone? Those were the days..
i love banana bread you just buy a bunch of bananas and then ignore them for a while and finally you’re like ok u will be bread now
When I’m older my plan is to mostly talk gibberish then very occasionally turn to a grandchild and say
‘Of course the money is all in that account in Switzerland’.And then start talking gibberish again.
i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.
if u think ur house is haunted get a cat. whooshing sound? it’s the cat. hear footsteps? def the cat. unseen being devouring your soul? cat.
That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers
Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.
interviewer: your resume says you like being read to
me: and then what happened
Me: *walks up to table next to mine in restaurant*
Are you done with that yet?
Her: We said no.
Me: But I need a green crayon for the tree.
Historians: so we’re gonna name this war the 80 years war
Me: so that means it lasted 80 years right
Historians: you FOOL. you utter buffoon. You ignorant being
But what if options were limited, and portions were small and overpriced?
– Food Trucks
I think my wife got us a babysitter because she didn’t think I’d sit on the baby correctly
Hubby has an alarm app where you can record your own sounds or music to wake up to. I just changed his to “THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE!!!”
Man of Steel question. When young Clark Kent was wearing a cape in the yard, who was he pretending to be? Liberace?
STATUS: Using the flashlight on my phone to look for the keys that are in my hand so I can open my car cuz I think I left my phone in there.
When it comes to sex, I really need to have a connection.
Otherwise the page just keeps buffering and it takes FOREVER to load.
I can never tell if a woman’s smiling at me because she’s interested or if it’s just my hot dog costume
Pulls out flip phone, flips open, stares at screen, closes, clips back to hip.
Phone doesn’t even work; I do it for the ladies on the bus.
Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.
Dentist: Do you grind your teeth?
Me: Yes, I have a child.
What I ask my husband to buy:
Milk. Just milk.What he hears:
Some chocolate, doughnuts and trifles. Oh and milk.
Instagram better not use my cloud pics. THEY’RE MY CLOUDS GET YOUR OWN CLOUDS ZUCKERBERG!
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.
A large group of other people’s children is called a “Nope”.
Our middle child says we neglect him/her.
Dear Diary,
I went back to the gym for the first time since before the holidays today. Struggling to remember what it is I’m supposed to do here. I took a bite out of a dumbbell and that wasn’t right, but I’m close. I can feel it.
when i donate my body to science, they’ll be like ok do we have any other options?
Daddy can u get me a drink?
“No, you’re 5yo you can get your own drink”
Fine *goes to fridge
“While you’re there can you grab me a beer?”
how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy
i was just about to start being a good person but then i got mildly inconvenienced