You can’t even be mad at the dog for this. You just have to be impressed.
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Me: Hey Alexa, why does my bellybutton smell like-
Alexa: OHMYGOD WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*
ME: Ooh that looks like fun
*I push her down the stairs*
Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.
BOSS:You were supposed to get an inconspicuous heist car!
ME:No one’ll suspect the google car
B:It’s literally documenting everything we do
I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.
ME: Dave’s coming over for tea
WIFE: Dave from work or Dave I’m having a secret affair with?
DAVE: *from inside wardrobe* I don’t eat peas
Rude lady to me, “Well I’m sorry but you don’t LOOK sick to me.” Me, “Looks can be deceiving. For example, you don’t look stupid.”
[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”
Star Trek was my favorite show as a kid because I liked to fantasize about getting beamed off this planet.
It’s my favorite show now for the same reason.
My FIL found my husband’s childhood trumpet and then asked my 5yo if he wanted it. I don’t know what I did for that man to hate me so much, but apparently it was pretty bad.
Relationship status: The pizza is late and I’m worried
listen *drags cigarette* you don’t wanna tweet, kid *exhales* we already did all the jokes
Me: Gimme that bread, daddy
Priest: It’s Father
And then come the thinkpieces. “ARE Cats Really iPhones?” “Why Telling People Who Think Cats Are iPhones They’re Wrong Isn’t the Answer”
It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing
Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming
[thinking of an excuse because I can’t swim]
Me: I got killed by a shark once
Go ahead, make fun of my cargo shorts
But we’ll see who’s laughing when you need a corkscrew, life raft, pillow or an extra tuna sandwich.
My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere
Me: [dies in the living room]
Dad: He never liked following directions
I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.
“Mom, can you make me a snack and bring it upstairs?”
Me: “No! What is this, Denny’s?”
“Mom, Denny’s doesn’t have an upstairs.”
Told my daughters they get to split the inheritance when we die and my 10 y/o asked, “Will you leave me more if I’m your lawyer?” She’s clearly ready for a legal career.
Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days
Why do they only put expiration DATES on food? It’d be fun as hell if they gave us the exact time too. “We got 8 minutes to eat this ham!!!”
love black friday. not buying anything, just wanted to go apeshit in a target
Fun morning at work…does Costco sell voodoo dolls in bulk?
If life has taught me one thing, it’s that I need more money.
This is my cat’s medicine.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life