It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing

You Might Also Like


There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.


Hey Young Girls, when a first date suggests you two go to “your place”, take him to Target.


Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.

Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.


“If anyone has any reason Kim & Kanye should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace.” -Taylor Swift’s moment of revenge


So you think the sloth is the slowest land mammal in the world? Let me introduce you to my 4 year old when he needs to get ready for bed


Accidentally wore a red shirt and a khaki pants to Target yesterday &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.


I hated muffins until I was 17 & saw someone remove the wrapper on the bottom of a muffin before eating one. Prior to this, I thought it was just part of the muffin eating experience & would angrily eat muffin wrappers because… I just thought that I had to.


*takes coffee from hot barista
*makes eye contact
*sips scalding coffee

“Thankth, thexy! Theeya!”

*walks outside


FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years