It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing
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I made a book review bingo card. Critics are hailing it as ‘a remarkable achievement’.
Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens
[First date]
Him: What’s your favorite dish?
Me: The one that holds the most food.
The moment Alan realised that maybe he’s not really suited to emotional support dog work after all.
[cuddling w/ 5 yr old son]
I hope he wants to do this forever
[25 yrs later]
this has lost its charm
Galactus is about to eat our solar system when he flips over the label
WARNING: CONTAINS MERCURY
“No thanks, I’ll eat something else.”
I AM NOT REALLY YELLING AT YOU I JUST GOT USED TO TALKING TO MY TEENAGER WHO ALWAYS HAS HEADPHONES IN
Me: Where my favorite girl in the whole world?
Wife: Right here!
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You were talking to the dog, weren’t you?
Me: Yes
Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.
Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.
Dog: Time to take me out
Me: Ok
[5 minutes later]
Me: [calling dog to the front door]
Dog: [asleep on my side of the bed]
Well, Lassie, maybe it’s time for Timmy to learn a hard lesson about watching where he’s going.
Coworker to me: ” Why are you always rushing out of here after work? You’re single with no kids.”
Me: ” Exactly.”
I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.
Blessed is the one who can fall asleep before the snoring partner
She has the grace of a puncture wound and the charm of a tetanus shot.
The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.
Since I’m not a doctor, my Indian mom is rage thanking the medical professionals
Before going to the dentist I like to eat taffy & pumpkin seeds. It’s makes me feel like I’m getting my money’s worth.
HR says I’m not allowed to build an electric fence around my desk for days I have to go into the office .
Abandoned amusement parks are so creepy.. it’s no wonder they were abandoned
sorry im late, i photoshoped myself as every member of Slayer
If one more person stands up and talks about their alcoholism I’m quitting this book club.
If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.
The library is always busy; it’s fully booked.
Today, I want to talk about underperforming continents. Antarctica, explain yourself.
wife: You’re home early
me [hugging the dog] I had to see you
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
[first date]
her: so what are you looking for?
me: [hits my head on the table] i dropped a shrimp
The mother went through her daughter phone and the lil boy her daughter was texting just went off on the mom 😂 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
