10 bucks says when Dora grows up, she’s gonna be a drug mule.
It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing
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There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
Hey Young Girls, when a first date suggests you two go to “your place”, take him to Target.
Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.
Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
“If anyone has any reason Kim & Kanye should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace.” -Taylor Swift’s moment of revenge
So you think the sloth is the slowest land mammal in the world? Let me introduce you to my 4 year old when he needs to get ready for bed
Accidentally wore a red shirt and a khaki pants to Target yesterday &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.
I hated muffins until I was 17 & saw someone remove the wrapper on the bottom of a muffin before eating one. Prior to this, I thought it was just part of the muffin eating experience & would angrily eat muffin wrappers because… I just thought that I had to.
*takes coffee from hot barista
*makes eye contact
*sips scalding coffee
“Thankth, thexy! Theeya!”
FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years