It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing
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Possum 911: What’s your emergency
Possum: MY CHILDREN ARE ALL DEAD!
Possum 911: You sure they aren’t just playing?
Possum: Oh yeah
Any t-shirt can be an ironic t-shirt if you hate things enough
Me: I drink vodka mainly because of my Russian roots
Him: You don’t have Russian roots
Me: *cracks open to reveal a slightly smaller me inside*
May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”
boss: this company is more profitable than ever
me: how about a raise?
boss: sorry i have to take this call
me: your phone isn’t ringing
boss: [fakes heart attack]
I would like to give a big shout out to the one person in my life who doesn’t accuse me of being insane. So, thank you, to the little old lady who lives in my hair.
If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?
“Call me crazy bu..”
You’re a freakin idiot!.. I mean, you’re crazy.
Me: You’re not like other girls.
3-year-old: *continues looking for the right Barbie to fight her dinosaurs*
My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother
Sunflower seeds: For when you want to have a snack while pretending you’re a cockatiel.
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
You hear a lot about golden retriever boyfriends but not girlfriends. I am one. Always excited to see you, motivated by treats and pets, constantly shedding
There was romance over dinner last night.
Me to my husband: If we weren’t married, I’d marry you based on these potatoes.
*opens present
HER: What is this?
ME: It’s The One Ring. I fought orcs for it.
HER: They didn’t have that Michael Kors bag I showed you?
Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
I did not eat the cake…
{at the dentist}
Hygienist: Let’s just have a look
Me, panicking: I’m so sorry! I used all my dental floss to lace my shoes.
Hygienist: Last time you said you were abducted by aliens who wouldn’t let you floss.
Black Friday Shopping Tips:
1. You don’t need anything
2. You can’t afford anything
3. You’ll just be in the way
Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.
I just can’t handle it anymore.
[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day
[god making pugs]
What if a football had asthma?
[first date]
HER: I love to learn
ME: (trying to impress her) I spent two extra years in high school
My dad is a legend at hide and seek. One time I needed mom’s help to find him. He was hiding at a motel with a strange lady.
[an octopus seeing a snake for the first time]
OMG a foot!
You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.
Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.
Interviewer: How are you with stress?
Me: We’re well acquainted.
Cutting your own hair is a great thing to do in lockdown, because it can be fun and creative, it saves you money, and it ensures you definitely won’t want to leave the house for several weeks.