It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing
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That “Barbie” movie is so popular they should make some merch for it. Maybe an actual doll or something.
GUY: looks like your truck could use some work
ME [patting it]: indeed
GUY [looking at a clipboard] alrighty, does it have any clerical skills?
The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band
Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras
When my wife falls asleep in a public place, I shake her a little and yell, “DON’T YOU DIE ON ME!” People always clap when she wakes up.
Working from home really jumps up a level when your boss texts you to ask if you saw her email yet, and you’re at TJ Maxx trying on jeans.
“Snowmageddon”? We can do better, Twitter.
#SnowCountryForOldMen
#ISnowWhatYouDidLastWinter
#SnowMommaFromTheTrain
#Snowverfield
What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”
If you’re depressed, start exercising.
You’ll still be depressed, but you’ll be depressed with abs.
[doing crunches]
Me: get it? ab solution?
Priest: so excommunicated
Waiter: Fresh pepper, sir?
Me: Yes, please.
Pepper: Honey, I’m as single as a dollar and I’m not lookin’ for change.
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.
netflix: are you still watching
me: no
netflix: then can i watch what i want now
My child who doesn’t like pickles: *sees me eating a pickle* can I have a pickle?
Free will was a mistake.
I should have charged for it.
Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron
Just for fun I’m putting these on windshields in parking lots all over the city on Valentines Day…
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16: this guy in gym today said he had a chest infection
Me: did he say if it was it Chestually Transmitted?
16: I’m sorry I tell you anything
Me: he should be refraining from Chestual activity
Wife: The kids opened the “private” drawer in my nightstand.
Me: THE drawer?
Wife: Yeah.
Great. There go our Oreos.
milne: it’s stuffed animals, but they’re so f**king dumb
publisher: what?
milne: the tiger can’t spell
publisher: no
milne: the bear won’t wear pants
publisher: *getting up* this is terrible
milne: there’s a depressed donkey
publisher: *sitting back down* …how depressed?
My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.
Going to tell my grandkids this is how Covid started.
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I liked Metamucil better back when it was called Facebookmucil.
Me: Do you have assorted cheeses?
Mom [exactly right next to me]: A sword of jesus?
Me: Yes ma, did you have a sword of jesus?
Dad [from down the hall]: We have lots of cheese in the top drawer of the fridge!
I’m so proud of myself. I went to Costco hungry and only spent $17,000.
[God Creating Raccoons]
God: make a panda but a trash panda, then give it a mask so that people would know it will kill them for their food
My therapist after every session
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HER: i love bad boys
ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed
I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.