It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing

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My friend just broke up with her man. I really helped her through the break up by letting her know he’s no good in bed anyway.


PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc

DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*


Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.


A charcuterie board is about what’s on top of the board? I thought y’all were picking side items to make eating wood more palletable.


[dollar tree]
CASHIER: i’m sorry sir but we don’t actually sell trees that grow dollars
ME: get me the manager


If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.


It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your shit together, every other vegetable.


Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…


Don’t tell me I can hear the ocean if I put a shell up to my ear. If he has something to say to me SAY IT TO MY FACE U PIECE OF SHIT WATER


No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.