It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing
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Husband opening his new radar detector…
Me- want me to run by really fast?
Him- what? No, that’s not how this works.
Me- *runs by entrance to kitchen*
Lmao @ the people who named their kids Daenerys or Khaleesi. What a bunch of absolute fools. If only they were as wise as me, father to a beautiful baby girl named Detective Pikachu
[runs to the door to greet wife]
I’m afraid there’s been a terrible accident involving all the things you asked me to do today.
Please stop throwing my only possession.
Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.
Beauty is in the Eye of the:
I’m not superstitious, I’m just kindastitious!!!
“I’d like you to meet my half sister.”
You never notice pilots because they’re usually in d’skies
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.
I’m so poor I can only afford Middle Ramen.
Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.
I was riding in an Uber with a gay male colleague when his Grindr app notification went off on his phone. The female Uber driver said, “I know that sound – my husband plays that game all the time.”
Me: while you’re up there let’s do a Spider-Man kiss
My dental hygienist: still no
We need less flight attendants and more Costco sample ladies on airplanes.
The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.
I’d choose @funTweeters over anti-depressants any day.
[I time travel and bring back Shakespeare]
SHAKESPEARE: What’s this?
ME: That’s a meme
SHAKESPEARE: What the hell is wrong with you people
[1st Day working at Hotel California]
Guest: Id like 2 check out
Me: Sure! Youre all set!
G: Thanks! [Leaves]
Boss: Can I see u in my office
The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.
Doctor: “We got your test results back. I’m so sorry–it’s Curiosity.”
Cat: “Oh my god…”
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage & get how it works?
Me(imagines bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
*checking email on my phone while shoveling handfuls of sea salt and cracked black pepper potato chips into my mouth
YESSSSS! Finally got my unread emails to 100.000! Weird how there’s three zeros after that decimal point but whateve…
me as a kid: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
me now as an adult: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
Me: why aren’t you sleeping?
3yo: I am sleeping.
Me: then why are we talking?
3yo: so I could tell you I’m sleepIng.
Me: you’re kind of creepy at night.
My grandmother is a shining example of how you can live until 90 years of age, sustained by nothing but spite and biscuits.
This is Kaia. She knows she’s not supposed to be on the couch. In her defense, you were not supposed to be home this early. 14/10
Wife is angry because “somebody” dripped grape jelly onto the dog’s head.
It feels very accusatory.