@steeve_again

It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing

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@Hormonella

There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.

@perlapell

Hey Young Girls, when a first date suggests you two go to “your place”, take him to Target.

@sara_ashlynn

Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.

Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.

@ComedyCentral

“If anyone has any reason Kim & Kanye should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace.” -Taylor Swift’s moment of revenge

@threetimedaddy

So you think the sloth is the slowest land mammal in the world? Let me introduce you to my 4 year old when he needs to get ready for bed

@Cheeseboy22

Accidentally wore a red shirt and a khaki pants to Target yesterday &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.

@roxiqt

I hated muffins until I was 17 & saw someone remove the wrapper on the bottom of a muffin before eating one. Prior to this, I thought it was just part of the muffin eating experience & would angrily eat muffin wrappers because… I just thought that I had to.

@UncleDuke1969

*takes coffee from hot barista
*makes eye contact
*smiles
*winks
*sips scalding coffee

“Thankth, thexy! Theeya!”

*walks outside
*screams

@Hadzilla

FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years