@steeve_again

It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing

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@Storminika

My friend just broke up with her man. I really helped her through the break up by letting her know he’s no good in bed anyway.

@DrDogMD

PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc

DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*

@elle91

Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.

@blueeyesgreene

A charcuterie board is about what’s on top of the board? I thought y’all were picking side items to make eating wood more palletable.

@fro_vo

[dollar tree]
CASHIER: i’m sorry sir but we don’t actually sell trees that grow dollars
ME: get me the manager

@trevso_electric

If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.

@XplodingUnicorn

It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your shit together, every other vegetable.

@Pork_Chop_Hair

Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…

@KimmyMonte

Don’t tell me I can hear the ocean if I put a shell up to my ear. If he has something to say to me SAY IT TO MY FACE U PIECE OF SHIT WATER

@AbbyHasIssues

No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.