[God Creating Raccoons]
God: make a panda but a trash panda, then give it a mask so that people would know it will kill them for their food
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I’m my own worst enemy, but there are literally hundreds of people tied for second place.
Some say Obama is the biggest liar of all time..
I say, the person who chose the spelling of, “Colonel” is the biggest liar of all time
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste
“Excuse me, do you validate parking?”
I sure do, champ. *kisses your forehead* Your parking is second to none.
[2 T-Rex’s getting drunk]
“I’m wasted.”
“Me too. You know how bad?”
“Don’t say it again.”
“I can’t feel my face.”
“Goddammit, Kevin.”
The Birdles
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Doesn’t matter who you are, when that moment comes for you to drop your child off at overnight camp, you will experience that same emotional reaction that all parents have in that moment:
Realizing there’s one goddamn thing on their list you forgot to pack.
[Inventing octopus]
God: 8 arms
Angel: okayyyy
G: with suckie things
A: and-
G: Mouth like a parrot, shoots ink
A: wtf
G: …I ate mushrooms
Kanye West tweeted that Bieber’s ‘What Do You Mean?’ was 2015’s best song.
The “…which wouldn’t happened without me” tweet coming soon.
really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context
turns out Xenophobia is not ‘A fear of Warrior Princesses’
One of my personalities goes to the grocery store and buys healthy food…
Now, I can’t find anything to eat in the fridge.
My dance moves are best described as a woman trying to put on pants 4 sizes too small, with a wasp flying around her head.
My house is almost 80 years old, so are some of the spiders, judging by the size of them.
Doing some research on the Fresh Prince of Belair. Does anybody know where he was born and raised and where he spent most of his days?
My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.
No email needs to tell me not to reply.
SCARECROW: If I only had a brain
DOROTHY: I just want to get back to Kansas
TOTO: It’s gonna take a lot to drag me away from you
Grandpa: Music today is terrible
Me: Here, try this *hands him iPod*
Grandpa: Fine *slides iPod into tape deck*
If your girl takes care of animals at the zoo treat her right cause she’s a keeper.
My greatest joy in life is when a friend reads a book I recommend.
My greatest frustration in life is when they don’t read it fast enough
If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
If you think January has been a big month for marches, you’re gonna lose your mind when you hear what the 3rd month of the year is called.
The heavy sighs are coming from inside the kitchen. A passive aggressive horror story
I’m not one to bet, but I’d put $50 on the fact that the waffle was probably created when someone accidentally stepped on a pancake.
[6:00]
This edible is never going to hit.[6:20]
*stirring my Pepsi with a fork*
If u see me talking to myself don’t say nun to me I’m having a staff meeting
I’ve never done Russian Roulette, but I have been in a public bathroom stall with a child who knows how to open doors.
I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches