Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

NURSE: Do you drink alcohol?

ME: No

NURSE: Do you do drugs?

ME: *sigh* No

NURSE: Are you sexually active?

ME: *just starts crying*

If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them.
It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.

“How did the Nukey War start, Oldfather?”

“Well …” [I stoke the fire] “It was Hashtag International Cat Day…”

I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.

My dog is disabled so I have to hold him up when he pees.
Long story short, I’m getting really good at writing my name in the snow.

She had soft, black hair, and big, brown eyes. We went for a walk. I told her I loved her. Now she’s gone. She took off after a squirrel.

2 found a calculator and is typing away very intensely on it

I call her name and I got a dirty look and a very nasty “Hold on!”, and back to typing

So I’ve decided to say her name 32 times, ask for juice 15 times, ask for 58 snacks, and have 3 meltdowns

Have you ever felt like something was touching your face at night? Don’t you worry. It’s just a MOTH, DRINKING YOUR TEARS WHILE YOU SLEEP.

I falcon love using swear birds

The History Channel; because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?

“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”

Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.

There’s always that one guy

My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.

So, I took her to Subways.

Me: what are you looking forward to most this week?

8: playing with my friends!
3 (boy): seeing grandma!
3 (girl): lunch!

*shakes the ATM like it’s a vending machine*

My husband thinks I’m overzealous with the cleaning, but a friend is coming over and she might look behind the couch. We don’t know.

So I go to McDonalds & I’m ordering my food & the car behind starts honking their horn bc I’m taking to long to order. So I go to the 1st window and paid for my food & theirs too. Then I got to the 2nd window to get my food and took theirs too.

Today, I want to talk about petting a cat with wet hands and why that’s no good for your hands or the cat.

*yawning at an art museum*
“I already saw that on Tumblr.”

A guy in Hawaii survived a shark attack while surfing by punching the shark in the face and I get scared to take a shower if I see a spider.

For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.

Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works

My hot friend: I’ve been alternating CrossFit, yoga and running.

Me: I hear you. I have a mild cough so my abs have been sore for two days.

Man, I can’t believe 2019 was over 20 years ago

Mother’s maiden name: Mom
Mother’s first name: Mom
Mother’s last name: Mom

Why do they even asks such dumb questions?

[trying to impress date]

Him: I want someone who’s not afraid of a little PDA.

Me: *keys I WANT THE SEX into the side of his car*

i once had a doctor named doctor. dr. doctor. doc doc, for short. who i introduced to my ball-player friend, richard michael gossage. “doc doc, goose,” i said. folks,,

I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you

Earth? yeah, I’d hit that -meteor