How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste
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Mockingbird: I imitate other birds.
Hummingbird: I make a humming noise. What do you do?
Swallow: *Blushes*
When the doctor asks about my sex life.
i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
NOAH.THEY HAVE TO BE ALIVE
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took
The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof
A young Bruce Wayne falls into a cave full of pugs. He later becomes Pugman and keeps the streets of Gotham clean and downright adorable.
Downside: the pandemic rages on.
Upside: we’re learning the Greek alphabet
My six year old picked up a sweet potato fry and said, “Oh, I am going to eat these fries because I like all kinds of fries, even these disgusting ones!”
There is a mile long line of cars stopped ahead, but go ahead and honk at the guy in front of you. It might help.
I slapped my hands but they never listen they just keep tapping that keyboard anyways
We went to Sam’s today to stock up on essentials. When the cashier said, “That’ll be $301.42.” My son whispered, “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.”
And that’s when I knew all that Catholic school was paying off.
Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…
My son’s superpower is to turn 1 cracker into 10 lbs of crumbs
Marie Kondo Vs. Hoarders
“Do these 370 cats bring you joy?”
“Yes. Get out!”
me: *knows girls like nerds* I read a lot
date: what kind of books?
me: *knows girls also like jocks* heavy ones
Not sure why I drink anymore..I get the same effect from standing up too fast.
I’m from a family of polite kleptomaniacs.
I take after my dad.
[at craft beer festival]
Me: Miller Lite, please
*ukulele girl stops playing*
Bartender: *blinks repetitively*
Baby: *throws unsweetened hemp milk bottle at me*
13-year-old: Do you know where the cord is to the electric keyboard?
Me, knows exactly where it is: No.
[my daughter asks for her 2nd apple of the day] oh look it’s the apple monster *fun growl sounds*
DAUGHTER: daddy does God ever go hunting
Me: He had short brown hair, a goatee, one earring…
Sketch artist: Are you just describing me?
Me: He had a sketch pad. Looked angry.
Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.
Me: Well, time to go to bed.
[lies down, pulls sheet up, closes eyes]
Anger: Feel that rapid heart beat?
Me: I do.
Anger: You’re thinking about how Nellie Breton didn’t invite you to her pool party in 12th grade.
Me: Damn it.
I almost slept through the whole thing
*best day ever*
You can’t scare me. You’re not my child telling me that she’s tidied my bedroom and that there’s a surprise..
Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea
Please don’t ride with me if you’re gonna grab the dash or scream every time I hit a curb.
You’ll make me nervous.
It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.
Happy Father’s day to all the dads out there trying to keep the front door closed so u don’t AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD. COME ON