I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
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my husband was trying to talk about Shrek but he couldn’t remember Shrek’s name (Shrek) so he called him “summertime grinch”
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
me: that’s my wife susan
him: please pass the salt, ma’am
me: idk she’s pretty lazy
her: [rotates entire table]
me: but strong
The potato masher IS the Gatekeeper of the utensil drawer, don’t piss her off.
Even before the lock down, yoga teachers were working from Om
Hashtag Mind Chakra Blown
You see two puppies.
“Awwwww!”
But they’re cannibal puppies!
“Ahhhhhhh!”
One puppy eats the other!
“Ewwwww!”
Then he takes a nap.
“Awwwww!”
Me: How could you do this?
Her: I just felt like you needed to know
Me: I’ve completely lost trust
Her: I know this is hard
Me: But wrestling? Fake? I’m devastated.
Him: I’m sorry, can we start over?
Me: great idea! You introduce yourself, and this time I’ll keep walking.
Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
2-year-old: An eagle!
I’m going to save so much money on college.
[God naming things with his good friend Brent]
God: Shirts, but for your legs
Brent: Pants
God: Nice. Ok what about the sound of a dog breathing
Brent: Pants
God: You’re killing it today, Brent
“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time
Hide-and-seek is just as much fun for adults, although it usually ends with someone getting hit with a restraining order.
[camping]
Him: Did you eat the last s’more?
Me: No.
Him: You’re lying.
Me: How do you know?
Him: Your pants are literally on fire.
“Follow your dreams!” – someone born into money
Me: I think I need a life coach who lives with me
Her: like a mom
Me: haha exactly, and—
Waiter: [whispering] sir the ring is sinking into the chili
wdym i don’t know how to flirt like my eyebrow wiggle game is superior.
I’m sorry the hint I dropped on you was tied to an anvil.
If it wasn’t for my coworkers who arrive to work after me I would never know it’s been raining for 7 days.
As a New Yorker, my plan for renewable energy is to simply mention the word “bodega” on Twitter, then let the irrational fury from everyone outside the city fuel us for then next thousand years.
[neighbour sees me walking to horse barn with a shotgun] did it break its leg?
[me pretty sure the horse saw me practicing moonwalking] yeah
Just saw a woman eating pickled garlic straight out of a jar and although it was terribly disturbing, it did remind me that I really need to move that mirror
Interviewer: what are your future plans?
Me: lunch
Interviewer: I meant long term plans
Me: what, like dinner?
Boss: You’re
Me: Doing great?
B: No, I’m letting you
M: Have the corner office?
B: go.
M: Why?
B: Constantly completing my sentences wrong.
The worst place to be quote tweeted…Divorce Papers
I had my year-end evaluation and it went like “You have great substantive legal skills, but you don’t come into the office enough and you don’t attend social events and you don’t regularly answer emails on weekends.” Yes, precisely.
Him: Let’s grill this steak
Me: *slams table, screams at steak* WHO SOLD YOU THE DRUGS
Him: that’s not-
Me: Refusing to talk? BIG MISTEAK
I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??
My tallest finger wants to give you a standing ovation.
Bravo!