What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
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DOCTOR: If you don’t exercise, there’s really no point in dieting.
ME: I can’t wait to tell my wife the good news.
also my go-to takeaway order
If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol
[sloth wedding]
“I”
[six months later]
“do.”
So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.
me: is there anything i can do about my dry skin
dermatologist: aloe
me: hi is there anything i can do about my dry skin
What did the llama say to his date?
“Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”
[hears a voice in the sky]
– Is it you? GOD?!
[kneels]
Voice: Could the idiot on platform 4 stop kneeling every time I make an announcement?
Hubby got all smug when our son asked him for girl advice so I confirmed that if he wants to bag a girl like me then daddy’s the man for the job and shut that shit down
‘Believe me I am a expertise when it comes to lovemaking.’
I believe you Internet stranger.
I totally believe you.
Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.
tinting my car’s windows so people outside can’t see me eating soup
Him: “It’s the end of the world; let’s open that expensive Bordeaux blend.”
Her: “No! We’re saving that one for a special occasion.”
“Look, when I signed up for the Marines I had no idea they might order me to do things I don’t feel like doing.”
Facebook is a minefield of mums saying “Can’t believe this handsome boy is starting year 1!” with pictures like this
*i look my lawyer dead in the face*
I said ask him.
*lawyer stands up*
Your honor my client would like to know where you got that robe.
Jokes on you TSA my body is 70% water and I just snuck it onto the plane
I’m just a girl adding $132 worth of merchandise to my cart so I don’t have to pay the $10 shipping charge.
me (googling): sexy green m&m
fbi agent monitoring me: oh god not this again
Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?
[Drug deal]
How do I know you’re not a cop
-If I was a cop would I do this?
*Starts breakdancing*
Thats not as much proof as you think it is
No one girl should have all that power. 😂
“His house was clearly on fire but he thought he had time to hit the snooze button just once.”
-an obituary
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?
Please say like 5 months?
Seriously guys, people drive like shit when I’m tweeting
Listening to a friend tell me about her deep and meaningful dream knowing last night I dreamed I found a cave cricket in my nose.
In hell you’re given 1 child and you have all of eternity to get that child to finish their dinner.
My girlfriend does not want to split the gallon of milk I smuggled into the movie theater for us 😔
The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.
Chairperson: So Dave is calling this season ‘fall’ because the leaves fall off the trees. Have we a name for the next one?
Dave: Death!
Chair: Ok Dave, calm down. Anybody else? Anybody.