ME: *striking a pose at the end of the runway*
PILOT (over intercom): we’ll take off as soon as this fuckin moron gets out of the way
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Today as a Random Act of Kindness, I wore a really tight sweater to work.
9: Have you seen my harmonica?
[flashback to me smashing it with a hammer]
me: Did you look under your bed?
Wife: How many beers is that for you today, dear?
Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops.
Wife: I counted 19.
Me: Well I rounded down.
With these gas prices, arson’s sure not the cheap thrill it used to be
parents of small children wondering when the early morning wake-ups end, my daughter in college sent an emergency text at 6am because she needs a fly swatter for her dorm, so the answer is never
Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.
Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
a murderer tries to stab me but im wearing rollerskates and he just kind of pushes me a few feet
ON PHONE WITH MY MOM
HER: You still single and living with your stray cat family?
ME: *proudly* No I am not!
*high fives my pet penguin
Very few people will notice the possum in this picture because they’re so good at hiding
[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?
The biggest lie I learned in school was that women reach their sexual peak at 40. All 40yo me wants is to scroll my phone and eat my bowl of mashed potatoes
The woman beside me is reading a cocktail recipe book like a novel and I’m pretty sure I found my soul mate.
You’re the last hot dog on the rollers at 7-11 of people.
Another day another opportunity to tell my toddler that if she doesn’t want to see my nose boogers she could try not looking up my nostrils.
Family: So how did you two meet?
Me: Tinder.
Family: What’s Tinder?
Me: It’s a game site.
“Congrats Lobster Boy, u got the job”
[Lobster Boy goes in for the handshake but cuts his employer’s hand clean off]
tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers
Shoutout to all the guests at my wedding that forever held their peace……WHAT THE HELL DID I EVER DO TO YOU?!?!
I’m alibisexual. Im attracted to anyone who will say they were with me last Tuesday between 3 and 5 AM
Everyone has something they believe in.
I believe in drinking before noon.
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard / their like, is this organic? do u hav a vegan option? can u make it with froyo insted
Hey Dad, your neighbor called,
they wanna know if you could
turn down your TV, they’ve
already heard this episode of
Law & Order.
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.
*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*
*winks*
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.
me: I need to get this framed
optometrist: just say you need glasses
When a proctologist fixes a problem, do they say it’s been rectified?
Me: it’s hot enough to fry an egg on the concrete
Public Health Inspector: temperature is not really the issue here