Friend: Sorry I’ve been so busy! I got my master’s in genetic engineering, singlehandedly solved a murder, invented time travel, discovered a new Pi number, climbed Mt. Everest and taught myself to read Sumerian. What have you been up to???
Me: I’ve been super into cereal lately
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My smart washer was hacked by the Russians so I couldn’t do laundry today, at least that’s what I’m going to tell her.
Arguing with your parents is like trying to explain how to download music from iTunes to a plant.
“What’s the worst that could happen?” I ask my son, as we enter the bear enclosure in matching Winnie the Pooh costumes
Corona Virus explained in craft terms: you and 9 friends are crafting. 1 is using glitter. How many projects have glitter?
There should be a second ashes they play at night when all the players have had a few
In my 20s: I’m gonna live forever!
In my 40s : uh oh
Stop trying to undress my panda bear onesie with your eyes.
Paint me like one of your French girls….
With a big fat croissant in my mouth
Me: Since the kids are spending the night at Grandma’s, we FINALLY have the chance to sleep in.
Smoke alarm battery: Not if I can help it.
Yo yo yo, I just killed some dude,
Shot to the head, now my life is screwed,
Momma don’t cry, it’s not your life that’s in tatters,
Carry on, carry on, because nothing really mattersBohemian Rap-sody
Hi, my name’s Ray. I’ll be drawing your blood today as soon as I finish this Capri Sun.
*misses hole 4 times then punches straw through bag*
“Never let ‘em see you sweat” is my motto when I go to the gym
Your husband’s super cute, is he single?
I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.
My dad: See, when you said you’d met a “special someone” we thought…
Me: Go on.
My dad:
Me: [taking hold of the penguin’s flipper] GO ON.
Me: Can I use it for my socials?
Mugshot Photographer: No.
[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS
Neighbor: I need to run to the store. Can you watch the baby?
Me (thinks of Daredevil cued up on Netflix): I am a registered sex offender
Hotel room coffee is still better than that whole relationship with you
They are only bad decisions if you get caught
My back hurts too much to lean over anymore, going to have to resort to picking things up with a deep curtsy.
i love diet soda i don’t care if it gave rats tumours i’m way bigger and stronger than a rat
“There’s approximately a 50% chance there will be weather today.”
-meteorologists
My husband keeps nagging me to get my oil changed, which is ridiculous because I swear I just did that three thousand months ago.
Cop: SHOW ME YOUR HANDS!
Me: *puts hands out*
Cop: wait… are you the hand model for Rolex?
Me: *blushing* guilty
Cop [winking aggressively]: Uh oh someone’s gonna have to serve some TIME
Friend: Don’t be nervous about your interview, just act like you already have the job!
*2 hours later*
Friend: So, how did your pilot interview go?
Me: *sirens blaring as police chase me down in my stolen helicopter* NOT GREAT STEVE
ME: Boy, the upstairs neighbors are sure noisy tonight.
WIFE: Y— wait. We live on the top floor.
ME: *remembering my promise to the brotherhood of dancing chimney sweeps* Boy, sure is windy, is what I meant to say.
Biologist screws up:
Mutant killer virusPhysicist screws up:
Deadly black holeGeologist screws up:
Rock on table is now rock on floor
definitely did not do anything wrong