Cop: SHOW ME YOUR HANDS!
Me: *puts hands out*
Cop: wait… are you the hand model for Rolex?
Me: *blushing* guilty
Cop [winking aggressively]: Uh oh someone’s gonna have to serve some TIME
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“Do you want the latest dirt?”
-No, but I appreciate the sediment.
just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought i was running
Whoever said “time heals all wounds” deserves a swift kick in the teeth.
Each time my husband yells for the Warriors an angel (me) uses his credit card.
Date: I’m a vegan.
Me: *spits pieces of chicken into a napkin* Oh yeah? Me too.
Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe
Just a bush.
Unicorns: *just jabbing holes in everything*
Noah: nope.
Some of you would make better cellmates than soulmates.
If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.
I’m running on 3 hours of poor sleep, this has to be how people end up at the drive-thru wedding chapels.
*pays $2100 to have 17’s wisdom teeth pulled
*puts teeth under my pillow to try to recoup some of that money
Me *googling* are people who steal ducks called abducktors or kidquackers?
FBI agent monitoring me: *reaching for whiskey* Jesus Christ
I’ve always wondered if my toddler liked me or my husband better.
But I just heard her say, “Oh shit, Daddy’s home” so at least I know she’s on my side.
Me: [Walks into kitchen]
[Evil spirit flings open all the cabinet doors]
Me: [Gasps]
.
.
.
.
I still have Pringles?
“Despite my best efforts, my hot air balloon just isn’t going to fly.”
“Dude, that’s a bike with a blanket on it.”
“My best efforts.”
“What’s the worst thing that could happen?” isn’t supposed to be a challenge.
[on the playground]
mom: go play with that little boy honey, he’s got a race car
3-year-old shania twain: mommy that don’t impwessa me much
my boyfriend invited the neighbors over for dinner “sometime,” so now we have to move.
Instead of a dress code every senator should get to choose how one other senator dresses.
I’m probably being paranoid, but I’m pretty sure this guy knows I’m following him
Talking to a toddler is like working customer service. For example, she’s screaming at me and I’m apologizing for something I had nothing to do with.
I’m not an idiot, I’m an optimist which is kinda the same but like, waaaaay worse.
Judge: You shot him. How do you plead?
Me: Bleed? NO. He was the one bleeding
Judge: HAHA
Me: HAHA *High five?
Judge: Ten years with no bail
Of course I stay hydrated.
Carbohydrated
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
[knock on door]
JEHOVAH’S WITNESS: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
ME (hates gossip): no
Y’all wanna hear something funny?
Lol me too
[Folding my wife’s laundry after 7 years]
Pile 1 – I have folded these correctly
Pile 2 – I think I have folded these correctly
Pile 3 – I have no idea how to fold these
Pile 4 – I don’t even know what these are