Instead of a dress code every senator should get to choose how one other senator dresses.
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I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…
I hope you get that part you auditioned for, that gig you called about, that job you applied for, the promotion you deserve, the all clear on the medical test you’re nervous about, the text from your crush, the acceptance letter from the school you applied to. Namaste.
before meds: i hate everything
after meds: *with enthusiasm* i hate everything
this is literally a CIA plant
I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.
ladies, I know we are all lonely in quarantine, but you need to quit calling me like “this is your student loan provider just letting you know that a SWAT team is on their way”
ME: What’s that on your wrist?
CO-WORKER: It’s a step tracker. It tells me how many steps I’ve taken throughout the day.
ME: Great! Do you like mine? *holds out arm*
CW: That’s just a regular watch.
ME: I know…it tells me how many hours I’ve got left until bedtime.
If we’re together and you lose track of me, just follow the line of croissant crumbs right on back.
And you may be thinking, “But Katie, you weren’t even eating a croissant when I lost you…”
Trust me.
Life begins and ends with diaper rash, so enjoy the time in between.
Me: Do I get naked now or at the end? I’ve never done this before and I’m really nervous.
Priest: For the love of god, just kiss the bride.
I still remember the day I asked my mom “why did you have so many of us? (I have 4 brothers and 2 sisters)
Her response: there was nothing good on T.V.
me, in the confessional: well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers.
the priest: is there another religion you can join?
Jurassic Park is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
As a child, I thought that more recipes would call for Eyes Of Newt…
Every now and then something happens on TikTok that transcends social media and becomes a *work of art*
Welcome to your 40s: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I’ve been resting for 6 years.
The only time I chase guys is when they try to steal my food
Seductively rubs salt in your wound.
*sneaks into sons room to scare him*
*trips over skateboard*
*steps on something squishy*
*turns light on*
*makes him clean his room*
I haven’t worn a bra since the pandemic started
Literally everyone who’s crossed my path in the last 20 months “we KNOW.”
Using my teeth to open the pack of hot dogs I brought for my inflight snack
Man reading a book: hot
Man with a baby: hot
Man reading a book to a baby: hold me back my ovaries have exploded.
I JUST CANT LOOK ITS KILLING ME
*walks out of prison, a free man.
*guards shouting from gate
“From! At! For! With!”
What?
“Oh, we always end sentences with a preposition”
Mom asked about a stock she’s owned for 20yrs called Amazon & I’ve mostly been telling her I love her & reminding her my brother never calls
My kid hissed at me when I woke him up for school today
the nerve of a majority of people i meet being younger than me. how dare them
I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money
My wife is getting rid of all the clutter. If you see the kids and me standing out by the street, it means we didn’t make the cut this year.