I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.
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“We can’t put it off any longer Alan, our daughter needs new shoes”
CENTIPEDE DAD: [staring out the window] This is gonna bankrupt us Susan
Martha Stewart: Good wrapping should only require three pieces of tape
Pivo: Bad wrapping can also only use three pieces of tape
heavy rain in Los Angeles is a great way to find out that every roof in the city has apparently been purely decorative this entire time
office jobs are so funny because you’ll be 24 and your greatest enemy in the world is a 55 year old woman named betty from finance
Pro Tip: Make sure you wear your Fitbit on your dominant hand so you get credit every time you lift an ice cream cone to your mouth.
Fun Fact: Bananarama had the highest potassium levels of any 80’s pop group.
It’d be funny if Hannibal Lecter was a terrible cook. Just microwaving kidney quesadillas or whatever. Mac & cheese with chopped up fingers.
My (almost) 15 year old cat just ran up and down the hallway 6 times and then jumped the gate to start shit with my dog. I’ve been sitting in the same chair since I woke up.
Me: I like a full bodied wine.
Date: I’m not that knowledgeable about wine.
Me: It’s like, when the grapes were really thicc.
Me: you know in that remake of mad max where the blind dude is playing guitar on the spiky death metal car with flames shooting out of it and people are swinging around throwing spears?
Wedding Planner: what
So done with NPR. Every time I call to request a song, they NEVER play it.
LASSIE: Arf!
What’s that girl? Timmy’s in the old well?
L: Arf arf
He’s dead? You sure?
L: Arf!
Okay here’s a check for $5K
L: ima need cash
*Ubers to my parking spot at Costco*
The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.
Why are they called bars and not alcohalls?
Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…
SORRY I REPLACED EVERYTHING IN YOUR FIRST AID KIT WITH BAGS OF BEEF JERKY YOU MIGHT BE MAD NOW BUT YOU’LL THANK ME LATER
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening their presents]
Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.
ME: I got fired for microwaving fish at work
HER: whoa, fired? that seems harsh
ME: whatever, I didn’t like working at the aquarium anyway
Terribly Tuesday.
I don’t even want to know why.
I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am.
So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.
It’s crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.
I let a Pasta Chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty
[working at a candle factory, day four]
ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going
I have yet to interview a ham that didn’t end in sandwiches.
I’m THIS MANY drunk!!
*holds up waffle*
6 year old: Hey mommy, did you know you can go to jail for making copies??
Me: copies of what?
6 year old: money
– kidsplaining counterfeiting
So many friends have kids now it’s tough to meet for coffee, let alone carry out the greatest casino heist the world has ever known
Unpopular Star Wars theory:
R2-D2 actually speaks English throughout the franchise, but all we hear is beeps because he won’t stop cussing