ME: I got fired for microwaving fish at work
HER: whoa, fired? that seems harsh
ME: whatever, I didn’t like working at the aquarium anyway
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Took my twins to their swim class and the coach showed them how to float on their backs then asked if they had any questions. My boy twin asked if there was any cake and I think it was a fair question
ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.
Judging by the hair on my black shirt , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.
Do one person every day that scares you.
is this store having a stroke wtf
Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.
Our parenting style can best be described as:
Bad cop,
Bozo cop
*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*
A couple of birds are outside fighting. Wait. They’ve quieted down. There’s a third bird. I think he may be their therapist.
Cellmate: what did you do?
Me: robbed a bank.
Cellmate: nice! how’d you get caught?
Me: [lights a cig and takes a long drag]
I stopped to put all the money facing the same way.
Boy: *Kissing girl on couch* You wanna take this upstairs?
Girl: Hehe sure baby
Boy: Sweet! Grab the other end, I can’t carry it by myself
[first day as a torturer]
Me: *throws stack of bills on the table* now call your doctors and the insurance company back and forth until you figure out what you need to pay.
Captive: *crying* I’m ready to talk.
Turns out we don’t yell “sweep the leg” during curling matches I know this now.
me: [taking dog on 4th walk of the day because I’m so bored]
dog: bro please get a hobby I’m begging u
Merry Christmas
Always carry a newspaper or magazine so you appear to be preoccupied. – stalker handbook page 2 paragraph 3
I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.
I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.
My daughter says she saw a demon in her room. I’m tweeting this from the safety of my office wishing her a lot of luck.
My favorite part about reading The New Yorker in public is looking around to make sure people see I’m reading The New Yorker in public.
It was nice of Microsoft to put their name on Excel after satan created it.
I’m donating my body to science. I’m getting sick of it taking up space in the freezer.
[flirting with Jesus]
So…is there a queen of the Jews
I always carry a condom.
I never know when things are going to get hot & heavy & I’ll have to throw a sturdy water balloon at someone.
How many times does it have to be aliens before Scully believes? How many times does it have to be a guy in a mask before Shaggy doesn’t?
[overhears wife complaining about me on phone] he’s always overreacting and making a mess
*spits chocolate milk everywhere* ARE YOU SERIOUS?
I’m not saying breakfast tacos are the cure but I’ve had breakfast tacos every day for 2 weeks and I’m COVID19 free, you do the math.
Me: …. Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: … Dog: have the shrooms kicked-in yet? Me: ..
[on phone with poison control] How much would I have to swallow to be just sick enough to miss work for a few days?