@DamienFahey

My favorite part about reading The New Yorker in public is looking around to make sure people see I’m reading The New Yorker in public.

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@birbigs

Quentin Tarantino + Johnny Depp = Rango Django

@Boleyngirly

My daughter just announced she’s SICK of stupid-ass people. I said “Oh darlin, you’re gonna feel ill for a long time.. they’re everywhere.”

@Cheeseboy22

Startle and amuse your cat by replacing its kitty litter with Poprocks. (Ladies: feel free to share this idea on your pinny website thing.)

@Social_Mime

If you love Christmas music chances are you never worked retail during Christmas.

@Pierre__4

COP: Do you know that you have an outstanding warrant?

ME: Well I didn’t know it was outstanding…..but I figured it was better than average

@bridger_w

If I had a dog I’d say “I have a bone to pick with you!” and then we’d go to PetSmart to pick a bone and we’d laugh & laugh & can dogs laugh

@Brianhopecomedy

*bakes 12 cookies*

*waits for family to come home*

*eats 12*

*family arrives*

5 year old: “I SMELL COOKIES!”

“Weird! Here’s a salad.”

@nPhelendriqal

There are so many different genres of music nowadays, but most of it could be filed under “Ear Shit”

@Girl15Gone

Him: If you’re so smart, name all 50 states!

Me: Drunken, Stoned, tipsy, sad, happy, sloppy, loved, confused, exhausted, ecstatic, fatigued…

Him: Ok,enough FFS.

Me: oooo, angry!

@_itspat_

My sleeping pills say don’t mix with alcohol, but drop it in the glass and it dissolves just fine. Doctors think they know everything.