My favorite part about reading The New Yorker in public is looking around to make sure people see I’m reading The New Yorker in public.
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Many hands make light work
Me: Haven’t shaved for two days. Do I look like McDreamy?
Wife: You look like McHomeless.
It’s never Hey Josh, you look great in orange; it’s always Hey Josh, I’m Daryl your court appointed attorney
my glass coffin company “remains to be seen” is not doing as well as i thought it would.
I don’t consider myself a controlling person.
Side note: Anyone else have a list of people your spouse can’t marry if you die?
“I have a headache” was not the invitation to sit down and talk to me that you think it was
Me: Guinness (dog) you want some bacon?
Siri: I’m completely satisfied with what I got!
Guinness: …
(tilts her head)
Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.
Remember when that really cute guy held the door for you at the book store? He doesn’t.
A small toddler is the closest thing you can have to a Pokémon. It follows you around, you love it dearly, no one else can understand what it’s saying, and it is obedient only when it wants to be. The main difference is that training it to fight other toddlers is frowned upon
I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it
It’ll never work, we have very different definitions of words like talented, celebrity, amazing and intelligent.
[From Basement]: *scary murdery noise*
Me: oh shit
Me: *makes slightly more scary more murdery noise*
[From Basement]: Oh shit
ME: *gets slapped in the face by a small reptile*
“And that’s for being a jerk to your wife!”
~ Karma Chameleon
Brother: Did you know a remote is 20 times dirtier than a toilet seat?
Me *licking remote*
I don’t drip caramel sauce on toilet seats.
My dating life can best be compared to credit card companies that send you a million applications and reject you when you finally apply.
I seriously want my vet to be my primary care physician
[Valentine’s Day]
Me: I got you a bunch of flowers
GF: Thanks
Me: There were loads just by the roadside. Got you a teddy and a candle too
chik-fil-a employee: It Would Be My Dying Wish To Serve You, Great Lord
me: I just want some nuggets man
cfa employee: I Would Die For You
Me: everything happens for a reason
Her: can I get your number?
Me: I don’t believe in “accidents”
Her: I’ll also need your insurance
Kudos to Google for starting a company before you could Google, “How to start a company?”
I was up at 3:30am today and now I am required by Dad Law to bring it up in every single conversation at work today
The keys to a successful marriage include separate bank accounts, separate bathrooms, and separate Netflix profiles
I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.
I think I read my job description wrong because the senior analyst didn’t appreciate this comprehensive report on my coworkers lunch routines
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE
THOR – “here”
HULK – “here”
IRON MAN – “here”
CAPT. AMERICA – “here”
USELESS ARROW GUY – …
I SAID-
HAWKEYE- I HEARD YOU
I finally wore the shirt my boyfriend bought for me last Christmas and he asked if I was wearing a new shirt and that my friends is what relationships are all about
Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.
BRITISH PEOPLE: so, shoe sizes go up in halves to 13 and then start again at 1. Women’s clothes go up in 2s but using only even numbers. Height is in feet made up of 12 inches and weight is in stones made up of 14…
ALIEN: are there any smarter animals we can talk to?
You gotta Snapchat, dm, and text your girl all @ the same time. That way if you piss her off in 1 convo, you still have two lives left.