Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dude (seeing girlfriend use eyelash-growing serum): I need a ton of this before my high school reunion

[at reunion]
Classmate: You have spikey black hair? I’d heard you’d gone bald
Dude: Just temporarily (his head blinks)

Years after finishing high school I now know the true importance of punctuation signs
They are for making cute smiley faces
(^_^)/

Laundry needs to be put away.
I look at the basket.
The basket looks at me.
Old western shoot our music looms in the background.

“I got expelled”
How?
“I wrote 2+2=41 on the whiteboard”
Ok that’s dumb but-
“So my prof told me to go back up there…”
Oh no
“and rub 1 out”

Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.

No one lies to themself more than the person that says they’ll do the dishes after they “relax for a little bit”.

I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.

Superhero Movies Love to Have Villains Who Are Totally Right… Until They’re Randomly Super Wrong

Sure, you can clean your house while the kids are home. You could also shovel your driveway with a spoon during a blizzard. When it comes to wasting time, the possibilities are endless.

I’m a PROUD bidet user, but it didn’t occur to me how losing power in 0° weather would affect the water temp. I think I just had what could be called a religious experience with that bidet. Like, I saw things.

Women that date guys with bad grammar are the goodest.

You deplete me

In Korean restaurant w/my son & Korean waitress says to him”Hi, how are you”? “Sorry I don’t speak Chinese” Great. I’ve raised a douche!

Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath

If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.

will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break

“What should we call ourselves?”

How about 22 pilots?

“Idk. Seems like an awful lot of pilots”

21 pilots?

“Omg”

ME: You wanted me to bring home some bears, right?

HIM: Beers

ME: Haha. Yeah. That was a joke. Anyways, don’t go in the garage for a few hours.

Wife: whats that?
Son: I painted a picture of a cat
Wife: it’s very good
Me: if it was very good you wouldn’t have needed to ask what it was

Gym: After a year of being closed, we’re open now!

Me: Nope. Uh uh. No takesy backsies.

Interviewer: Why do you want to work in customer service?

Me: Well, I’m really good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault

Me: what should I do?

Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..

Me: right but like realistically

TWITTER REHAB IS GOING GOOD YOU GUYS I GOT A NEW FRIEND HE HAS SPECIAL SUGAR AND IT’S AWESOME AND MY YARD HAS 3,957,268 BLADES OF GRASS!!!!

“How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars,” I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead

[fishing]

me: why won’t these goldfish take my bait?

friend: they’re koi.

me: aww don’t be shy little fishies.

Wicked Witch of the West: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!

me: *acting coy & twirling my hair* you think I’m pretty?

Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who’s not on the keto diet and that makes me so happy.

Protip: If you refer to yourself as “someone” when explaining something bad that happened, your wife will always know that “someone” is you.

couple weeks ago I saw a drunk guy in the crowd at a baseball game enthusiastically chanting “baseball game!” I think about him every day

I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.