My favorite part about reading The New Yorker in public is looking around to make sure people see I’m reading The New Yorker in public.
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What the hell did you order?
– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we drifted apart, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
😂😂
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Shhh, turn out the lights and hide. My feelings are knocking on the door.
If your friends won’t go into a dark forest with you, memorize the ancient ritual text and help you summon a demon so that there is a fourth person to play Monopoly with, can you really consider them friends?
Our dishwasher works exceedingly well, as long as you only put clean dishes in it.
*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
Me: “Could you show me where the self-help books are?”
Librarian: “No.”
Roadtrip thread:
We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’ll have a martini, dry
Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don’t know how to tell you this
Glad I had the coat closet redone so that everyone can continue leaving jackets and bags everywhere except the coat closet
The Hobbit 4:
Bilbo’s relatives auction off his stuff
Bilbo puts on his ring
One by one, his relatives die under mysterious circumstances
Before I had a kid I thought, god, I wish I could say “please put your shoes on” 17,000 times every morning.
My dreams have come true.
ME: The plane has wifi? Sweet, I’m going to Skype call that radio psychic.
RADIO PSYCHIC: Go ahead caller, you’re on the air
ME: HOLY SHIT
Not now kids. Mom is racing her rubber duckies in the bathtub and this time I really think Javier is going to win.
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
♫ she’s just a small time girl
workin at Jurassic Woooorld
opened a raptor cage
now they’re everywhere ♫
[Wheel]
_’D L_K_ TO SOL__ TH_ P_ZZL_
I’d like to solve the puzzle, Pat
Go ahead
I’d like to solve the puzzle
Yes, go ahead
No, I’d like to..
My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.
me: I need a really lengthy snake
pet shop guy: how many feet?
me: none
My local spa has an oxygen room, which begs the question: what the heck is in all the other rooms?
You were the hot single in your area the whole time.
Date: “so, tell me a bit about yourself”
Me: “NICE TRY, FEDS”
I wonder if delilah is still ghosting that guy
[skywriting]
Karen, do you have the checkbook? The skywriting guy won’t let me out of the plane until he gets his deposit.
another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car
Girls are a lot like oceans,
beautiful
and deep
but once a month
it’s shark week.
Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.
Im telling you. If you turn around for even one second, your toddler will take a swig of your wine.