Roadtrip thread:
We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.
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I jammed the laundry room door and now I can’t get in there and WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF DOING THIS SOONER?!
mugger: gimme all your cash
me: lmao my what
[Leaving for work]
*can’t find computer bag*
*looks for computer bag*
*finds computer bag*
*sets down computer bag*
*uses restroom*
*can’t find computer bag*
Autocorrect just changed AC to autocorrect even though I meant air conditioning. And I thought I was full of myself.
Me: *just finished watching Shark Week* Did you know sharks have to swim continuously or they’ll die?
Wife: Yes. Everyone knows that.
Me: It’s kinda like you, but with talking. LOL
Wife:
Me: OMG! Say something!
I came home to find that my son had installed the air conditioner in his bedroom window.
I told him, “You did a good job, but it’s actually supposed to go in like this.”
I then proceeded to drop his air conditioner out of the 2nd story window.
There is no moral to this story.
You learn early in life not to play around in your mom’s purse. Especially things that look like a little can of silly string.
The mace stays in your lungs and eyes for life.
Lobsters: grabby hands
Mobsters: stabby hands
I’m not much of a wrestler, can this alligator play badminton?
Put a pill in wife’s mouth while asleep
“WTF you doing?”
“for your headache.”
“I don’t have one!”
Just what I wanted to hear!
*unzip flys
Underwear isn’t protecting you from your pants. It’s protecting your pants from YOU! Another conspiracy uncovered.
Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.
Jurassic World is so unrealistic. Like a teenager would ever just drop his cell phone while being chased by a dinosaur.
I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.
Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.
local police are looking for a peeping tom, I’m heading over to pick up an application
So my 6 year old neighbour is like Uncle B do you like fruits
I say yeah I do…
And kid’s like I brought you fruit 💀
Anyway what does one do with an unripe paw paw
My dog wakes up at 4:30 every morning so he can take a nap by 6.
my dog when she sees a vacuum: i have no concept of heaven and hell but holy shit you are the devil
For the first time, all three of my kids are going to three different schools. I managed to get them all there on time for their first day, but intentionally ran a few minutes late on day two so their teachers didn’t have unrealistic expectations.
Dang it, I looked at my phone for a second while driving and now I don’t know what road I’m on. Maybe I’ll ask this talky fellow on my hood.
I was tired of my kids asking me to put the same 7 songs on for them 9,000 times a day, so I taught them how to do it themselves.
I am not a smart woman.
When people ask me for something at work I say, “Sure! Let me see here..” and rummage around in my desk drawer until they leave
Cop: Lets go, boys, no meth in this house.
*zoom to fish tank*
Fish 1: *nods*
Fish 2: [taps on pirate ship] Resume cooking, Lenny.
*bubbles*
Why use words you don’t understand in your tweets? It just makes you look photosynthesis.
You can keep your damn ferrets
And your dumb fancy rats
He’s got no time for goldfish
And far less for cats
Snakes are for weirdos
As are lizards and frogs
For him there’s only one choice
I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.
That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.
Marvin stared at the painting of his great grandfather, who had survived two wars, worked three jobs to support his fourteen children, and eventually died saving a box full of kittens from a fire, and thought to himself, “You know, if I knocked that over, I could sleep on it.”
“You should only have to tell them once”
– People with no children
[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”