Why use words you don’t understand in your tweets? It just makes you look photosynthesis.
You Might Also Like
Breaking: According to a study just released by the Vatican, 4 out of 5 nuns find sewing to be habit forming.
I’m not even sorry…
You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your “hell” is.
🤣😅🤣😅 OUCH!
8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 😂
Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night
Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.
seems like H&M is expecting a rush on Victorian funerals
Me: You’re such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.
*opens can of Pringles*
*finds my lost keys*
Me: goodnight moon
Moon: It’s 6pm
Me: I know but I’m tired
Moon: I literally just got here
don’t talk to me until I’ve had 3 iced coffees & argued with a lady about terriers & threw an iced coffee in her face
[out to eat with in-laws]
Me: Waiter, your cheapest bottle of champagne
Wife: Hey these are my parents
Me: Waiter, 4 glasses of tap water
What they say: “Wow, you’re really photogenic.”
What they mean: “Wow, this looks nothing like how ugly you actually are.”
Why aren’t more people mating with scientists? It’s like they don’t even want to bring dinosaurs back.
*Follows dreams
*Ends up at refrigerator.
I’m not saying I’m an idiot…
But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.
AT MY FUNERAL:
My old school nurse: *throws an ice pack and a cracker into my coffin* That should help.
Me: Its so funny I keep dropping my phone
My phone: Yeah, you crack me up
You raise a generation of overthinkers by telling them to put on their thinking caps in second grade, but never to take them off.
wife: ugh I feel so old
me: you’re only 36
wife: ugh
me: that’s like three 12yr olds
wife: what
me: what
The people who choose the “healthier option” at McDonald’s get a bad wrap.
[watching The Brady Bunch before kids] Why would a stay-at-home mom need a live-in maid?
[after kids] Holy crap I need three live-in maids.
I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!
Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me
the #horror is real!
ruin Thanksgiving for everyone with a detailed description of how you prepared the turkey
3yo: *follows me into bathroom*
Me: “Privacy, please”
3yo: “Oh, right” *closes door*
“Now we have privacy, Mommy”
If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?
Insomnia is just your brain’s way of telling you it’s secretly a squirrel with ADHD.
*waving two guns around menacingly*
WHO TOOK BACK THEIR ‘LIKES’ FROM MY SELFIE