8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 😂
You Might Also Like
priest: you may now kiss the pride
me: excuse me?
priest: *motions to the other side of the altar where 7 to 8 lions with lipstick wait*
If I gave you a book for Christmas it’s due back at the library tomorrow
🎶Dough; a base, a pizza base
Ray; a pizza deliverer!
Me; a guy, who eats pizza
Far; a bad place 4 my food!“Sir, place ur order or hang up”
He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO
You know you’re in a good relationship when she turns off all the lights so you can sit together by the window and listen to the neighbors fight.
[GRAND CANYON]
WIFE: Isn’t this incredible?
ME: It’s ok.
WIFE: Were you expecting a thousand canyons?
ME: I don’t want to talk about it
I’m so angry right now that I could strategically throw my phone at a safe spot on the couch.
my lawyer: deny everything
me: no
Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!
“just get thru the 1st day without them finding out youre an elephant”
IT dude: “ok here’s your new mouse”
[just fkn destroys the place]
Airbud was on a human basketball team. I want to see a human running as a dog on a sled dog team.
9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
Me: we should probably go to bed
Friend: or we could drink more and stay up later at the small expense of our will to live in the morning
Me: ok
Why is Gorgeous the only thing you can be Drop-Dead. I wanna be drop-dead silly. Let my enemies crumble before me, overcome by the depths of my whimsy
If my girlfriend hired cheaters they’d just tell her “the whole goddamn day, he looked up from his phone twice and once it was to sneeze”
Maybe next year… ☔️
#GreatBritishSummer #Rain
Squirrel having fun.. 😅
When a conversation gets awkward, distract the person by casually kicking a rock. Unless that rock is a poop. And you wore stilettos. And the poop sticks to the end like a skewered turd. And you’ve made it awkward. Now you have something to talk about.
why is every reddit relationships question like “i [F29] love my fiance [M34], except whenever we fight, he takes a dump in the living room, then makes me refer to his dump as ‘Mr. Hoskins’ and apologize to it. am i overreacting? our wedding is in 6 hours”
Finish all your pizza or you don’t get any ice cream!
– me, making my kids eat their dinner before dessert
I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.
Morning sex is the most important imaginary sex of the day.
B
gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste
shadowfax: *holds up a dictionary with its front hooves* I can’t read
The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.
Robocop: I am Robotcop
Criminal: You don’t say the t you robo moron
R: [visibly confused] Pu down he gun you are under arres
I’m sorry, you’ll have to repeat that. I’m not fluent in nonsense.
me: [lists something on fb marketplace for $400 that’s worth $1,000 new.]
person: take $6??
him: my dad left when I was younger, around 7
me: before rush hour, smart move
Me:
One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master