Nice try Friday the 13th. But this is 2020.
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[being taken hostage]
*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest
Me teaching Wilderness Survival Class:
“OK EVERYBODY WATCH CAREFULLY AS I DRIVE *AWAY* FROM THE WILDERNESS.”
wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed
When someone is arguing on twitter with a private account
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest strength is, I want to say, “I push myself.”
What kind of deranged lunatic gets home from a long night at the bar and eats a piece of fruit?
[After Big Jewel Heist]
“We did it! We got away! Everything went to plan”
ME(holding my grappling hook I didn’t get to use): Yea it was ok
Friend: Okay dating is really easy. You just have to act super natural
*later on date*
Me: *napkin on head* ooOOOooOo
Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.
Mugger: Gimme yer wallet & don’t do nuthin dumb
Me: That’s a double negative, my friend. Unlike Romance languages, English – hey, come back
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
I hate people who use big words in tweets just to make themselves look perspicacious.
Jingle Bell Rock implies the existence of Jingle Bell Paper and Jingle Bell Scissors.
The person that joins a Zoom meeting where everyone’s video is off and leaves their camera on is the same person that reminded the teacher that she forgot to assign that night’s homework.
SON: Daddy, how come our snowman hasn’t melted, like everyone else’s?
ME: Because it’s made from leftover mashed potato son.
haha sucks for women that they have to sit down to poop
Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.
*Ordering Chinese Food
Vanilla Ice: I’ll have egg rolls and chicken fried rice rice baby
*runs 3 steps*
my heart: if u don’t stop i will
me: [in bed, hears a weird noise] wtf was that?!
dracula: [bursts out of my closet]
me: did you hear that too?!
dracula: yeah wtf was that?!
The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.
We only have one star.
I taught my kid the importance of stop, drop and roll at an early age. Now he never blocks my view of the television.
Do not worry.
I will take your secrets to my grave.
But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.
Me: I hope you don’t mind if I nibble during sex.
Her: Not at all!
Me: Great!
*Pulls out grilled cheese sandwich*
Me:*about to chop vegetables, picks up a knife,*. That’s not a knife.
*picks up a larger knife,* Now that’s a knife!
Husband: You’re starting to loose your mind a little over there Crocodile Dundee.
My clothes aren’t wrinkled i have an iron deficiency.
[hits rock bottom]
rock bottom : *calls 911 for being assaulted*
Me: Man I love the eighties
Grandparents: We have names
[Wedding day]
Bride: *coming down the aisle* WTF? You’re wearing the same dress as me!?!?
Me: Well THIS is awkward
Priest: *in same dress* Ok. One of us has to change