A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
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Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail
The me who snips coupons needs to communicate better with the me who walks into the stores.
Gently puts my “faith in humanity” in a bag of rice.
I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.
~Psychopaths.
It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
Blizzard after 3 years of Overwatch lore development
me: 7’s favorite toy eats batteries like crazy
husband: *laughs* that’s funny, yours does too-
me:
husband: I’ll go get more batteries
Absolutely no one:
8 yo: I’D RATHER BE RAISED BY DUCKS
Which word do you think would make a pretty baby name if it didn’t mean what it meant? I’m going with Omelette.
ANDY: I clarified your butter.
ME: Ghee! Thanks!
I asked my dad what his favorite joke was.
He said, “I can’t pick a favorite. I love you and your sister equally!”
[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]
“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower
Skipping rocks with 11 at the lake thinking how great it is she’s not looking at a screen when she says, “This is fun, do you think there’s an app for this?”
Give me your crispy noodles and no one gets hurt.
Lawyer: do you watch people use the bathroom?
Defendant: no
Lawyer: spell “ICUP”
Defendant: I-C-U-P
Judge: *softly* omg
Jury: *whispering*
Don’t regret past mistakes. All of your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today.
Disregard this if you are in prison.
I go back to work tomorrow, ending my 91 day weekend.
Husband, “Aaaaannnd that completes my order.”
Tombstone Engraver, “Are you sure you want it spelled like this….Belovud wyfe, freind, and muther?”
Husband, “She can’t correct me now.”
[at a boat store]
Salesperson: Can i help you?
Me: (acting like I know what I’m doing) yes, I’d like to see your models that float please.
Why did they think the horses would be able to reconstruct Humpty? They don’t have any engineering/surgery knowledge, or thumbs, for that matter.
Her: Who’s your favourite character in the Muppet Show?
Me: The vampire
Her: He doesn’t count
Me: I can assure you that he does
Today my 2nd grader said “I won’t ride on the bus with my big brother again until I’m in 9th grade and he’s in 12th!” And I started blubbering immediately because, academically speaking, neither of these kids will make it to high school.
I just want to be important enough that someone unexpectedly puts a cup of coffee in my hand, which I gratefully accept with only a nod.
if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle
Me: Do you like my novel?
Publisher: it’s a tree
Me: I told you it was in the early stages
You hang up
“No, you hang up”
You hang up first!
– Bats going to bed
*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now
Told my son I was born with a cone shaped head because doctor used a vacuum thing to pull me out at birth. He now calls me cone head and is looking for a cone emoji to put on his phone next to my contact name. WE ARE ADJUSTING TO COHABITATING JUST FINE!