Today my 2nd grader said “I won’t ride on the bus with my big brother again until I’m in 9th grade and he’s in 12th!” And I started blubbering immediately because, academically speaking, neither of these kids will make it to high school.
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me looking at the supermarket camera after eating a grape
this idiot cop is still behind me w/ his siren on, I keep moving out of the way & waving & yelling “GO AROUND,” man is he stupid
[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living
Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.
8yo: Did you know they used to have computer mouses that had wires? I don’t even know how you could use those
Me: To strangle your coworkers
8yo: What?
Me: Huh?
I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.
My husband’s favorite snack while we watch tv is whatever makes the most noise, apparently.
On the surface: cool as a cucumber…
On the inside: squirrel in traffic…
Do you believe in life after love?
-Me as a Cher-apist
ME: If you married the Kool-Aid Man, you’d need an umbrella because when he leaned down to kiss you at the wedding, he’d spill red Kool-Aid all over you & it would be like that scene in the movie Carrie
THERAPIST: And you want to discuss this for another session?
ME: Oh yeah
friend: let’s meet up soon
me: *in the crow’s nest of a ship docking outside your house* when though
the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens
When I walk through automatic doors sometimes I think I’m controlling them with my mind, that’s normal right?
Q: Why did the lawyer put his luggage on the table?
A: He wanted to rest his case.
Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.
My daughter asked why I drink so much beer
I told her it’s because I actually have a condition that’s pretty unfortunate. You see, my body is actually not capable of producing its own alcohol
Memes like this are the reason I still use social media.
I woke up with tons of motivation to go back to sleep.
Playing “bad guy” with my daughter and she puts me in jail because “your tummy big”.
I guess loving a good burger makes me a criminal.
Give me a minute, I’m still fighting the urge to bless a stranger who sneezed
The darkness in me is making me sneeze.
Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.
I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.
Me: If there’s Super Mario then how come regular Mario doesn’t wear glasses?
Therapist: I’m going to increase your medication
If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead
[wine and cheese]
HOST: Welcome, can I offer you a glass of wine?
370 RATS IN A TRENCHCOAT: We’ll start with the cheese thanks
walmart: why do u want to work here?
me: it’s easier to steal if the employees trust me
walmart: why would u tell us that
me: *slowly taking their pen* to build trust
Rose: Paint me like your French girls.
Jack: With armpit hair?
[shady nighttime meeting at the aquarium]
AQUARIUM EMPLOYEE: eels are already pretty slippery man
ME: shut up and help me butter them
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?