[shady nighttime meeting at the aquarium]
AQUARIUM EMPLOYEE: eels are already pretty slippery man
ME: shut up and help me butter them
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if you ever need to teach me a lesson, there is no reason to send three ghosts. a single ghost will do. im not committed enough to any of my negative personality traits to be like “sorry but i’m gonna keep on stealing from walmart unless you make this a multi-ghost situation”
Me: This escape room is really hard.
Guard: I said lights out!
You guys would not believe the roller coaster of emotions I’ve been through
[sees shark fin swimming toward me]
Oh no
[its a boy wearing a shark fin hat]
Phew
[the boy is riding a shark]
Oh no
[birthday party]
*giant cake is wheeled out, exotic dancer jumps out of it*
me: *dejectedly puts down fork*
The crappy spread on the sandwiches totally ruined the funeral reception I was at yesterday. I told them “I can’t bereave. It’s not butter”.
Therapist: Would you use alcohol, food and sex as a means of feeling happy?
Me: Yes, thanks.
My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.
🥶🥶🐶🐶
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m at 6%
professor x: oh yeah you can definitely use my charger
@funTweeters just starred 1 of my tweets. It’s like getting a personal letter fr Jennifer Lawrence, & it asks if she can borrow some stamps.
Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.
Please keep my baby in your thoughts. I wouldn’t let her pull the carbon monoxide detector off the wall and no greater tragedy has ever befallen a child in time past.
Top 3 screwdrivers:
1. Tool for turning screws
2. Vodka and orange juice
3. Method of Uber payment
At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future
FRIEND: ready to go body surfing?
ME: [unstrapping a corpse from my car roof] let’s do it
Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?
If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.
Me: Looks like someone got toad again, LOL
Snake: *bites me*
Jim: I’m totally spacing out on a word.
Me: OK
J: What’s that awful thing called…
M: …
J: You wake up with it after you drink?
M: Linda.
They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?
A career website for plumbers called sinkedin
Which herbal tea goes best with heroin?
Dude just told me that he’s washing his hands more because of that “Coca-Cola virus.”
Thigh gap? Give me some corduroy pants and I’ll start a fire.
You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.
If you want my opinion ask my wife
Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.
“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”