If I won the Mega Millions jackpot, I would pay my kids to be quiet for 5 minutes.
You Might Also Like
don’t let your artist friends wander off by themselves. you never know what they’ll agree to
These hair growth vitamins are sure making my mustache fill in nicely.
Pick a card, any card. No, not that one. Not that one, either.
grandmas are always like “not enough meat on your bones” the only reasonable explanation being that at a certain age every grandma starts giving serious thought to cooking her family and eating them
“Hello, can I speak to Mr Featherstonehaugh please?”
“How are you pronouncing that?”
“It doesn’t matter, this is a written joke”
9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?
Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.
Canadian Thanksgiving isn’t the same day as Thanksgiving in the US because Canadians already put gravy on everything every day.
him: how have you been improving yourself with all this free time during quarantine? i’ve been exercising more and eating better
me: [has forgotten the definition of 83 common words, what traffic light colors mean what, my phone number] simplifying
People say “like a boss” as if they forgot how much bosses suuuuck
My boss said he likes how I remain so calm under pressure. Can’t tell him it’s because I don’t give a shit
Doctor: I’m afraid we’ve lost him.
Mother: What? But he was just getting a few stitches!
Doctor: It’s just a figure of speech, ma’am, he’s right here in the morgue.
About halfway through my wife’s lecture on how dangerous cutting my own hair was I chopped off my own ears. I’ll never hear the end of it now.
Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.
HAMMER PANTS: can’t touch this
HAMMER PANTIES: definitely can’t touch this
My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.
ZOO BOSS: You’re fired!
ME: Is it because I cross bred a dog with a zebra and called it a Debra, after my wife?
BOSS: Yes. Yes it is.
Me: *pressed against glass* they can’t keep us apart, they can’t deny our love, you’re my lobster
Aquarium owner: *into walkie talkie* security
Me: *being dragged away* WAIT FOR ME LEONARDO DA PINCHI
[At a Christening]
Priest: I now pronounce you Chris and Chris. You may kiss the Chris.
Guests: *chanting* Chris Chris Chris.
Before the “accident” they were Duran Duran Duran
Stop earbuds from tangling by putting them on then carefully stapling them to your body.
Who’s ready for music?
Not you.
You have tetanus
Remember when everyone was tweeting about how bad 2019 was and we couldn’t wait until it was over?
2019: “How you like me now?”
“We’re not lost!” Dad would insist, despite Mom’s complaints that “This isn’t on the map” and “We shouldn’t be seeing the ocean from Tulsa.”
ME: I think it’s time I get my life in order.
MORGAN FREEMAN: But he would not get his life in order. In fact, he got drunk that night and fought a raccoon.
“You couldn’t handle me at my worst”
OMG, you mean this isn’t it.
And that’s how the fight started.
Please tell me there’s a veterinary text on ruminants called Graze Anatomy
If there’s anything I’ve learned from Twitter, it’s that men think they hate filters but have no idea when they’re being used.
Roses are red, I stole them from the neighbor’s garden.
~poetry
In search of a Dom(ino’s Pizza)/Sub(way Sandwich) relationship
every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.