I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.
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ME: *taking their hand* It’s okay. We all struggle with connecting.
RABBID RACCOON: *hissing & desperately trying to wrench its hand free*
My husband and I get along better since realizing how much our yelling upsets the dog.
How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.
“For I am Christ the Redeemer, He Who Saves!”- Jesus, using his coupons.
Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.
In hell, you have to watch my son fold laundry.
It’s okay if you didn’t notice that I switched my beard trimmer’s setting from 6 to 5. The difference is stubble.
7: Today in school we had to write 4 sentences about what we ate for breakfast his morning.
Me:
Him:
Me: I forgot to give you breakfast, didn’t I.
You think jumping out of an airplane is dangerous? Pfft…try going to Trader Joe’s when you’re starving to death.
When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”
As it turns, all of those signs I drive by on roads and highways have words on them.
On a related note, my new contacts came in.
I waited around all morning for the mailman so I could grab his hand through the mail slot.
The extreme internal pressure from my intelligence is forcing my hair follicles to fall out …. No one believes me
Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.
[yelling to bartender in crowded nightclub] WHAT KIND OF CAPRI SUN FLAVORS DO YOU HAVE?
Whenever my daughter starts a sentence with “I saw this Tik Tok that said…”, I know I’m in for some sound advice
[3 years from now]
I can’t believe it’s still 2020.
Papa Bear: I wish he’d Mackle more.
Mama Bear: I wish he’d Mackle less.
Baby Bear: I tore the throat out of a girl who stole our porridge.
I love you to the refrigerator and back
me, as a zookeeper: i’m late for my sister’s wedding and i have a stain on my tux
penguin: [makes whatever noise a penguin makes]
me: no braden, thanks for the offer but we’re not the same size
Sometimes, I feel like doing high five on their face
So the mullet is back but ffs don’t bring back the rat’s tail.
I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.
Overheard in 2nd grade class today:
“Do your work! Santa’s watching right now.”
“Yeah, my mom told me that ship has sailed for me long ago.”
ME (wakes up from coma): whatve I missed
WIFE: Trump’s running for prez & the Cubs are favs to win the World Series
M: haha ok but srsly tho
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Girl: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
Emails are always signed like, “thanks” or, “best regards”
I’m going to sign mine, “you’ll live to regret this”
Please help, my kid keeps threatening to teach me chess
*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*
I bought and named a star after you.
If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.