[yelling to bartender in crowded nightclub] WHAT KIND OF CAPRI SUN FLAVORS DO YOU HAVE?
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If you get a call from a telemarketer, give the phone to a child and tell them it’s #Santa.
getting off the floor: the extreme sport of middle age
San Francisco has too many rules
How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?
From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”
Please don’t feel you need to explain your opinions to idiots. We do not care what you think.
HER: I’ll only agree to do nudity if it’s done tastefully
PRIEST: And I understand the groom has also written his own vows
texting and driving is the worst. i hate having to pay attention to the road while i’m in the group chat with the boys
Me: Tonight I’m going to get some good sleep.
WebMD: With the fishes.
Fortune Teller: I see a trip in your future
Me [cancelling a week-long trip to Peru]: haha nope. wrong, idiot.
[fall down stairs as I leave]
Give me a minute, I’m still fighting the urge to bless a stranger who sneezed
Me: One coffee please.
Barista: Name for the cup?
Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
I’m really scared society will collapse soon and there won’t be any more Doritos.
[blind date]
HER: I love sports!
ME: Uh…me too
HER: Have you ever played tennis on grass
ME: No, but I once went bowling on crystal meth
[6:00pm] i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight
[11:00pm] yay i did it!
[11:01pm] *preheats oven*
Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.
[throws dirty diaper away]
– OMG WHAT R U DOING?!
– it’s gross im not touching that
– GET THE BABY OUT OF THE TRASH & CHANGE IT!
– ugh, fine
Three golf clubs walk into a bar.
The putter ordered a beer, the pitching wedge ordered a gin & tonic.The barman asked the third one if he wanted anything,
He replied “No thanks, I’m the driver”.
#Wednesdaymorning
[Art Museum]
Date: I like a man who makes things exciting, but I also like to be the center of attention.
Me: *Thinking quickly* SECURITY! SHE’S GONNA STEAL THIS PAINTING
I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.
I went to the house I grew up in and asked if I could have a look around. They said no and slammed the door. My parents can be so freaking rude…
sorry about the last 24 hours California, i brought back a mysterious relic from overseas but i’ve destroyed it now
Me having to explain to another kid’s dad why he can’t come to my kid’s birthday party
Air pods looking like an angry frog
dad: Hand me that Phillips screwdriver
me: *looking*
dad: Isn’t that a Phillips beside you?
me: It says “Craftsman”
dad:
me: Are you crying?
“Welcome to the jungle”
Thanks.
“We’ve got fun and games”
Cool.
“You’re in the jungle”
We’ve established this
“You’re gonna die!”
Wait what?
*jurassic park meeting
CEO: We’ve suffered minor setbacks with grisly deaths; the destruction of the entire island; and billion dollar lawsuits. So I want some outside the box thinking on how to go forward.
Suit: We could build another park…
*long silence
CEO: Genius.