Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.
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waitress: are there any allergies at this table?
me, already drunk: POLLEN
Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.
Roses are red,
except for all of the other colors of roses that have been in existence for thousands of years. Those are different colors.
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
[on date]
Ok, don’t let her know ur a vampire.
Her: I think I’ll have a steak.
A STAKE??
[turns into bat and flies away]
listerine whitening mouthwash is just purple shampoo for teeth
Congratulations on being hired by Super Cuts & welcome to day 1 training.
Let’s get started
These are called scissors
*collective aww*
DICKENS: I’ve got writers block… I’ll have a martini, Bob.
BARTENDER: Olive or twist?
DICKENS: *looks into camera*
*my wife opens my sock drawer & sees that it’s filled with bite sized candy bars. she looks over at me*
did you go trick or treating again last night?
People on the Internet always trigger my restless-fists syndrome.
The NRA is pretty unhappy about the #filibuster. My thoughts and prayers are with them.
Hey babies — Trains haven’t gone “choo-choo” for 150 years, get it together.
“Bring forth the sacrifice. The ritual must proceed.”
Me- *Merging in traffic* Am I clear on your side?
13- *continues looking at her phone* Yes
The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.
In case anyone needs to feel better about their parenting, my 9yo saw someone inside Build-a-Bear wearing a reindeer costume and said, “Look Mom, it’s a furry.”
Never eat ice cream while chatting online. Sister: why are you typing so slowly Me: well my other hands busy. She hasnt replied yet.
Newscaster: In other news, a local man was severely beaten by group of roving youths
*cut to file footage of me prancing around town in a unicorn costume*
Newscaster: Moron, this, at 11
I think Newton was actually hit by pigeon shit when he discovered gravity.. Falling of apple was just a ‘dignified’ cover up…!!
Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.
sharks do not actually like the taste of human flesh, they are just trying to find out if you are a cake
Vacationing while single: Mai Tais on the beach.
Vacationing with family: Shaves 3 years off your life while going bankrupt.
I have no idea what settings my 1-year-old changed, but she hit random buttons on my keyboard and now I’m a licensed realtor in Pakistan.
drinking water in front of my plants so they remember who the breadwinner is
If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them.
It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.
My grandpa used to eat onion sandwiches so yeah he and my grandma slept in separate bedrooms.
5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would “have a piece of cheese and calm down”
So, yeah, she’s mine.
[bedtime]
SON: I want a monster story.
ME: Sure. This one’s called “The evil co-worker that reheated fish in the microwave.”
I like to take a store-bought cake to a potluck and joke that I made it myself. As if people could actually make their own cakes!
I ain’t never seen a alligator so happy to be getting a toothbrush bath 😭