drinking water in front of my plants so they remember who the breadwinner is

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– “It Wasn’t Me” plays on radio

10: why were they naked banging on the bathroom floor?
Me: a robber came, took all their clothes then locked them in the bathroom and they were trying to alert people to their situation
10: weird
Me: so weird
10: cool
Me: cool


Everybody always says say “No!” to drugs, but I’m thinking that if you’re talking to drugs, it’s too late


It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…


[narrating a commercial for therapy]

“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”


At my age, a “stiffy” is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.


I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments


doctor: “how much exercise do you do per week?”
me: “um.. does sex count?
doctor: “yes”
me: “absolutely none”


toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise


I know I sound like a broken record but tomorrow I’ll sound like a misfiring engine and, next week, continuous loud television static.