drinking water in front of my plants so they remember who the breadwinner is
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Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.
If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”
*Bruno Mars on the radio*
Wife: Would you catch a grenade for me?
Brain: Just say, YES!
Me: Has the pin been pulled?
Brain: Idiot!
my mom refers to crying as “squirting” and I, oh my god…..can you tell her
*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*
Can Happiness buy money?
This outfit is called Running Into Someone I Know Would Be The Ultimate Worst Thing That Could Happen
Beyonce was Destiny’s Child. The other two were adopted.
I had to dress up for a wedding today and when my 6 yr old saw me he exclaimed that I “looked beautiful! Just like Peaches!”
Peaches is our dog.
[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open