@MumInBits – “It Wasn’t Me” plays on radio
10: why were they naked banging on the bathroom floor?
Me:
10:
Me: a robber came, took all their clothes then locked them in the bathroom and they were trying to alert people to their situation
10: weird
Me: so weird
10:
Me:
10: cool
Me: cool
@SassyChantelle Everybody always says say “No!” to drugs, but I’m thinking that if you’re talking to drugs, it’s too late
@WilliamRodgers It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…
@thatdutchperson [narrating a commercial for therapy]
“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”
@Tmoney68 At my age, a “stiffy” is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.
@Midgetspar I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
@KeetPotato doctor: “how much exercise do you do per week?”
me: “um.. does sex count?
doctor: “yes”
me: “absolutely none”
@iwearaonesie toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise
@NightValeRadio I know I sound like a broken record but tomorrow I’ll sound like a misfiring engine and, next week, continuous loud television static.
@milkeggsbread I love that “take out” means food, dating, and murder.
@farahmynaf