“If decorative towels can be a thing then decorative grills can be a thing”
~Me buying a cool looking copper charcoal grill that I don’t really need.
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Once again not all heroes wear capes
A great vocabulary is such a turn on. A guy used the word “bifurcated” during a meeting and I almost threw my panties at him.
I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.
Before kids: Why would anyone need a 24 pack of paper towels?!
After kids: Oh.
I spent a lot of my childhood worrying about wearing red clothes and being chased by cows
Just had lunch with my 3rd grader at her school. She got embarrassed when I tried to kiss her. So, like any good mom, I started twerking.
Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
People ask what personal grooming products I use. I just get whatever is on offer in the supermarket, so this week cat food & grapes.
Every time my kid says “Dad, remember when…” in front of his friends I know I’m about to hear the craziest lie and I’m all in on it
Jeff is here!
“Jeff from work or Jeff the guy who announces his arrival anytime he enters a room”
Jeff is here!
Is this a threat?
Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.
My dog’s dinner: premium organic grain-free no salt or sugar GM free 80% meat 20% veg
My dinner: Haribo
garage sales are a great place to find extra stuff for you to throw away when you move
A lethal injection that takes two hours has no place in a civilized society. And it shouldn’t happen in Arizona either.
I just realized that I forgot to scan the 2 packs of sparkling water at target on Sunday. Apparently this is how my life of crime begins.
Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes “say masturbate, it’ll be hilarious”
Sent my husband to work with leftovers from dinner last night. His co-workers are going to be so jealous of his bowl of cereal.
[Freddy Krueger comes to kill me in my nightmare]
Me: OMG I can’t believe I’m actually sleeping.
Chicken: Hey look, another egg! Will you look after it for me, like the others?
Farmer: Sure
Chicken: How many chicks do I have now?! Can’t wait to meet them all
Farmer:
[first day at the cia]
supervisor: we need you to plant these bugs.
me: [nodding furiously] because that’s where they live.
Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better.
Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you
cop: know why I pulled you over?
fortune teller: well let’s just see (flips over tarot card that shows a skeleton in a car doing 45 in a 35) ah frick
There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.
7: MOMMY!
Me: *flys out of bed* What’s wrong?
7: I don’t know what time it is
Me: It’s the middle of the night
7: Then why are you awake?
Why is called “emotional baggage” and not a “griefcase”?
My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”
<- sleeps well with others
Walmart is fun because all the workers know nothing except for the one who knows everything and your job is to figure out which one that magic worker is