A great vocabulary is such a turn on. A guy used the word “bifurcated” during a meeting and I almost threw my panties at him.
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The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.
5yo: dad, do you control your emotions or do your emotions control you?
Me: come on man it‘s the weekend
WAITER: what else can i get you
ME: nothing thanks
WAITER: okay I’ll get the check
ME: *balls fists* what did i just say
If the Pottery Barn didn’t want me to bring my goat in the store, they shouldn’t have called it a barn.
ACED my prostate exam!
Me: I miss you.
My hairdresser: Did you do something to your hair? Please don’t. For the love of god, everything is hard enough without that. Don’t touch it.
Me: No, I just miss —
My hairdresser: Don’t touch it.
Bonfire is French for “good fire.”
me: dating is tough, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: so here’s everything i know about the jonestown massacre
BULLY: [rolling up sleeves] you wanna take this outside?
ME: yes, yes i do. it’s so beautiful out there today. a truly gorgeous day
Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.
I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.
Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.
No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.
Here’s this year’s kid-friendly Halloween joke:
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn’t have the guts!
Happy Halloween 🎃
I have felt uncomfortable before. But we were just passed by a slow moving hearse and funeral cars… My son is dressed as the grim reaper.
He f**ng waved.
Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress
My son asked why some mommies and daddies live in different houses, so I sat him down and told him the truth… their kids complained about slow WiFi and never went to bed on time.
Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.
Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.
My neighbor put alarms in his yard designed to scare squirrels & rabbits but the alarms go off every 20 secs & it’s maddening. He thinks they’re a frequency humans can’t hear (he’s 90 & near deaf). I pulled the batteries & he can’t tell they’re off. Am I going to hell for this?
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
NASA: what makes u qualified for our mission to mars?
ME: i desperately want to be shot into deep space, where there are definitely no geese
A guy just commented on how classy I am
So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”
I don’t want just any tamale. I want a goddamn tamale.
Serial killers start their day by eating breakfast at McDonalds. Let me rephrase. They arent serial killers until they order & have to wait.
I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.
I don’t know if I’m dumb or my dog just super smart, she manages to trick me every time, thinking she needs to go outside, but then she stops at the treat cupboard and refuses to go any further until I give her the goods!
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year.
Most of the time.
Once in a while.
Never mind, I’ll buy my own stuff.
FINE, I WON’T.
You get what you get and you don’t get upset. Unless you’re me, and then it’s the crying and the wailing and the walking with chains dragging at all hours.