ACED my prostate exam!
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The cookie jar oinks when I open it, so don’t ever question my dedication to these hips.
I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.
Therapist: My job is to know you better than you know yourself, Libby
Me: It’s Abby
Therapist: That’s what you think
me: [tries to spend time with kids. They don’t want to]
[Bed time]
Kids: I wanna do something with you! You don’t spend time with us!!
2020: The Year In Review
Everyone: No
Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.
“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.
when you order from DoorDastardly
BREAKING NEWS: 23 injured while running with bulls. Authorities say injuries happened because folks were stupid enough to run… with bulls.
Me: Sometimes I like to relax under a shady tree and read a book.
Tree: THAT WAS MY SON!
if you’re gonna break up with someone over dinner, make sure you do it after they order food but before it arrives so when they leave then you can finally be alone and you get two dinners
“So how was your date?”
I talked about my obsession with reducing fractions too much
“That wasn’t a good idea”
Yeah well, hindsight is 1
If you think you’re going to be in a dangerous situation, dress accordingly. Don’t wear flip-flops to a bank robbery, for example.
Me: *makes 120 gazillion meals*
Kids: yuk
Husband: *makes pancakes*
Kids: daddy you’re a much better cook than mummy
Cartoon orange juice is just pulp fiction
Nobody in this neighborhood ever got along until we all hated your rooster.
Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.
Social butterfly? Nah.
I’m more like a social Sasquatch. Some people swear they’ve seen me, but no one really believes them.
#MovieMashUpsMadeInHell Fifty Shades Darther
STEVE: you misspelled my name
ME: Oh uh it’s a joke
LATER, TO STOVE: I’ll make you another cake when he leaves
SON: Can I have a cookie?
ME: Ask nicer.
SON: May I please have a cookie?
ME: Like a Canadian.
SON: So sorry, could I please trouble you for one of your delicious cookies, good sir, eh? It’s okay if you say no. There’s probably a more deserving child.
ME: *hands over cookie*
i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it
8 out of 10 ladies at a karaoke bar who sing,“I Will Survive,” are hoping the enemies who wronged them are in the audience.
In New York, people are paying up to $100 for a “cronut,” which is croissant/donut. We call these people “midiots,” which is a moron/idiot.
me: this english class is stupid who needs grammar
{ 15 years later }
me, leaning to lawyer: what the hell is a sentence
Both my kids are denying ownership of an iPhone charger that they usually fight over. Makes me wonder what crime scene evidence is on it.
Today i started stalking guys. Not for any gay reason but it’s so much easier to do. Women always complain, guys don’t suspect a thing.
i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke
Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.
There’s a certain kind of voodoo involved when it takes forever to lose 5 pounds, and only one cupcake to gain it back.