Asked my kid what kind of donut he wanted and his answer was “six.”
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If you introduce yourself as Sal, just know that I will be disappointed when you reveal that’s NOT short for Salami
I take advice from crows because their core strategy of screaming at things and flying away really tracks.
Just got off the phone with my mom.
She had a good chat.Unrelated, there are 1273 Cheerios left in this box.
I don’t wanna start the year with any negativity so if you and I have had issues in the past, apologise to me immediately.
“Just gonna take a little off the top” I whisper, scooping all the icing from your cake with my fork.
Working on my new impression, “drummer having a blast.” Keep an eye out for “guitarist who’s really feelin’ it.”
Putting lotion on your hands and picking up your coffee cup is pretty damn stupid.
Good morning, a spider’s favorite music app is Spotafly and your day can only get better from this joke forward Happy Thursday
I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets…
learn to swear in every language by watching the world cup at your local bar
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes. I like to watch.
Netflix: I’m worried about you.
Me: Just play the next episode.
Netflix: When was the last time you saw the sun?
Me: There was an outdoor scene in episode 7. Play on.
Like that whole spinach in the teeth thing, I never know if it’s polite to tell a lizard person when they have a little tear in their human suit.
I feel like Indiana Jones every time I go looking for keys in my purse.
It’s only the fifth day of school and my 9-year-old has already memorized the names of all 50 fourth graders who have cellphones.
If I post camping pics I’m being held against my will
Sometimes when I’m driving I’m overcome with an urge to run into an overpass pillar. Anyway, I’m Kris & I’ll be your Uber driver.
I wish I could fall as gracefully as a winter coat slinking off the back of a chair.
Ok… so wireless bra’s don’t have any internet connectivity, we all make mistakes, can we just move on now.
*punch*
Oh golly I’m sorry
-No, no, you’re quite alright. Go ahead
No, it’s your turn
*punch*
Thank you
-I’m terribly sorryCanadian boxing
1st marriage: Love, naivety.
2nd marriage: Health insurance.
I want to become a librarian so bad. I love books but I love telling people to shut up even more.
[First day as homicide detective]
* approaching murder scene *
Guys, I pass out at the sight of blood, so give me a heads up if you ……
OK hear me out on this: a baseball throwing machine, but instead, it shoots out pancakes that you catch with your mouth. 😋
On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.
Only while supplies last.
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Gays are definitely from Saturn. You know the only planet chic enough to accessorize with a belt.
Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.
Babies have no idea when one of them is cuter than the other. So you have to tell them
If your store sells carpet and tile and you’re not advertising a July Floor-th sale then what are you even doing?
Me:
JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay