[Hydra command meeting]
Red Skull: Cut off one head, TWO MORE SHALL TAKE ITS PLACE!
Me, an intellectual: I feel like we’d be doing a lot better if we just grew two more without waiting for one to be cut off.
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*Geography Bee*
Judge: “Tell me about Yemen.”
Me: “Chandler said he was moving there when he couldn’t breakup with Janice on Friends.”
A friend of mine is thankful she won a position on the PTA board and now we can’t be friends.
I ran into my ex husband the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.
As your goth coworker, I will change all “Out of order” signs to “Haunted” signs. Sorry, you can’t use that printer- it’s haunted.
Me: Son, how many times have I told you to stop playing with dolls?
Son: I’m trying to teach CPR. Please get out.
Thanks for keeping your Instagram account private. I’d hate for those pictures of your lunch to fall into the wrong hands.
*Breakfast*
-Do u want the buffet?-No, I’ll order off the menu
-The buffet has more options
-That’s ok. I know what I want
-The buffet?
-No.
-Look, I don’t feel like bringing u food.
[zoo]
Kid: monkeys are dumb. Why do they keep throwing poop at each other?Me:*on my phone, leaving angry Facebook comments* I know, right?
doctor: can you bend down and touch the ground with your fingertips
me: [struggling] nope
doctor: try without the stilts
Hubs: Is that the same oreo as before?
3yo: No.
Hubs: Is that a new one?
3yo: Yes.
Hubs: Are you hiding them around the house?
3yo: …Yes.
Me: Ugh! These jeans are too tight!
*opens bag of chips*
Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?
*later walking home*
Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies
Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special
Husband: Deal
Two eggs, some bacon, and a piece of toast walk into a bar. The bartender says, hey! We don’t serve breakfast here. #Tellyourworstjoke
interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?
me : …so I can pay my electricity bills
whatcha thinkin bout
Breaking news:
There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.
What rhymes with “hug me”?
Chutney.
Me: I’d like to read a comedy by Shakespeare
Librarian: which one?
Me: William
her: take off my bra
me: ok
her: take off my panties
me: wow ok
her: stop wearing my clothes
Ever noticed how pears in a paper bag always seem to be ripe all together at once? This is because they easily succumb to pear pressure.
POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”
Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?
*flashes back to ex
*shudders
OoOcH sTePpInG oN LeGoS iS tHe WoRsT!
-person who has crawled and taken a Lego to the knee
Me. I’m the person.
My brain knows that there’s a guy doing work on my roof today, but my nervous system keeps acting like the house is under attack.
[at punchbowl]
Me: You go ahead.
Lady: No, I insist.
Me: Together, then?
*we both pour vodka from our purses in*
i can sleep well tonight knowing my “local 4 news” is “fighting for me” & “getting answers” especially that new weather guy
your honor, i nominate the real murderer for the ice bucket challenge!! [a guy stands up] nice
Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.