Me: I’d like to read a comedy by Shakespeare
Librarian: which one?
Me: William
![]()
You Might Also Like
I like to finish other people’s sentences because
my version is better.
Me: you may find this hard to believe but I have been fooled several times.
Them: No we get that.
If a tarantula lived in a flower pot it would be a hairy potter
I was playing COD when me and this kid started arguing… then this kid started giggling, and said Wendy’s. Without thinking I said “Wendy’s?” I got hit with the loudest “Wendy’s balls hit your forehead bitch” Ive never left a lobby so fast in my life.
Fact: if you drop a penny from a skyscraper it can kill someone on the street? It’s true, I’m still glad I went with a bowling ball though
Since I’m wearing a white top, I’m going to go ahead and eat this meatball hoagie while I drive.
[church]
1-year-old: *throws a tantrum*
Me: This is the worst place for a meltdown.
Wife: Nuclear power plants?
Me: Second worst place.
Even on your worst days, an identity thief wants to be you more than you want to be yourself and that’s beautiful
In 5th grade I had to do a report on Ben Franklin and my parents interpreted it as me liking him so my 11th birthday was Ben Franklin themed
pregnant wife: what should we call it if it’s a girl?
me: herbert
pregnant wife: but what if it’s a b-
me: himbert
Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name
Best wishes to the local youths I met outside the supermarket today. They asked me to buy alcohol for their gravely ill grandfather whose dying wish is 3 bottles of vodka and a case of beer. I was happy to help. Please give my best wishes to your grandad, guys.
How to run faster:
1. Drink a lot of water
2. Wait till u have to pee
3. Start runningYou’re welcome
let’s discuss
![]()
What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.
“What are you doing, Merlin?”
“He said he was cold.”![]()
[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]
Can you believe this shit
Sorry I’m late, I was untangling my AirPods.
Payday: BUY ALL THE THINGS!!
Day Before Payday: I would like to pay for this taco in pennies.
I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.
I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.
[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.
If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors
*being chased down the stairs by a giant slinky* SPRING IS COMING
No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.
fleetwood mac implies the existence of fleetwood dennis, fleetwood charlie, fleetwood dee, and fleetwood frank
I broke my tool for painting Easter decorations. I’m having an egg shell stencil crisis.
[Job interview]
Employer: please explain the gap on your resume
Me: what…they were hiring
I feel as though most of my problems would not exist if I had just worked harder on that crane thing from Karate Kid
If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.
I don’t have a 17 step nightly skin regimen; I need that time to google if a Crocodile would win a fight with an Alligator.