Me: I’d like to read a comedy by Shakespeare
Librarian: which one?
Me: William
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[a mass poisoning of football players]
detective 1: I think there was mercury in the Gatorade
detective 2: Johnson, this is no time for your stupid astrology mumbo-jumbo
BEN CARSON: On the news I saw a portal to another dimension open & robots came out, we need to stop that
MODERATOR:That was The Avengers sir
My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.
So I’ve got that going for me.
ME: how long will it take to remodel my house?
CONTRACTOR: only about 2 months
[9 years later]
CONTRACTOR: ok so we’ve installed 1 stair
[fraud trial]
Lawyer: is it true these numbers are all fake?
Defendant: no– they all actually exist
Judge: lol owned *high-5s defendant*
Me: Gimme that bread, daddy
Priest: It’s Father
I bought a pregnancy test so the cashier who always serves me when I’m by myself in my pjs, buying ice-cream & chips, thinks I have sex.
My house looks like I’m losing a game of Jumanji.
I never feel more alive than in those 2 seconds between:
Me: “i’m just gonna say it”
and
My Brain: *you’re an idiot
An airbag is just a pillow that punches you in the face
I did not ask for this, the TikTok algo is giving me overweight people whose spouses cheated on them with their apparently thinner siblings, followed by weight loss and reconciliation with their terrible spouses? I just want step-dancing videos ffs!
😂😂😂😂😂😂
It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.
The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.
“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.
I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.
I’m so pale… I don’t send nudes, I send transparencies
MOB BOSS: It has come to my attention that within this very room, we have a SNITCH
HARRY POTTER: Oh hell yeah I’ll get it
You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.
[wife in labor]
*i press play on cassette
{Ice Cube – You Can Do It}
Wife:WHAT THE HELL
Me: sorry hun
*ff to {SaltNPeppa – Push It}
If I were the tooth fairy I wouldn’t leave any cash, just a note that says I’VE TAKEN YOUR TEETH
Hey gang, let’s talk about what has gone right today.
Ok, good talk. See you tomorrow.
IT’S SATURDAY & TONIGHT I’M PARTYING LIKE A ROCKSTAR!!!
*folds laundry*
*cleans litter box*
*makes friendship bracelet for karate instructor*
I just stabbed a pin in my arm.
Somewhere out there a bunch of voodoo dolls just said ‘Ouch.’
“We have an idea for a video game. Picture a big gorilla on top of some metal framing hurling barrels at a plumber.”
That could not make any less sense. What’s the gorillas first name
“Donkey”
Another way they could improve cricket is by having seven to eight golden retrievers on the pitch at all times
I wanna be friends with this person
[me on a first date] Neil Armstrong backwards is Gnorts Mr Alien